Shocks
by meggh11
Summary: Part Two in the Surprises Stories. (Read Surprises first).
1. Chapter 1

_Here it is. The sequel to Surprises! _

* * *

"Castle, get your hand off my back!"

"We need to get moving! You need to get there faster."

"I'm going as fast as I can! It hurts!"

Kate waddled through his loft, headed for the front door. Her feet were swollen and her abdomen felt like it was going to fall to the floor.

"Castle, I swear to - If you touch me one more time!"

Castle removed his hand and ran to get the door. Two bags over his shoulders, cell phone dialing the hospital.

"Hello, hi! Yes. No, I can't hold - look. Get Dr. Hanes. Now. No, I need him. My wife is in labor. No, hello. Dammit."

He pressed the end button and feverishly redialed as he pounded the down button on the elevator.

"Kate, a little faster. Honey, I know. I know. Okay."

Kate's irritated look greeted him as she made her way to the elevator.

"You look great," he said, with - what he hoped - was a reassuring smile on his face.

Kate's breathing became faster as she held her hand out, a hand on her back and her knees beginning to bend.

"Okay, here we go," he said.

Castle swung behind her, held her up as a contraction ripped through her body.

When it was over, he picked up the cell phone he dropped, removed his foot from the elevator that he had kept opened, and loaded them all in.

* * *

"She's ready," Kate said, lying in the hospital bed.

"The doctor will come back - "

"Is there anything for - "

"Kate, you heard him. It's too late. You go into labor too quickly. Some might call that -"

"Don't you dare say blessing. I am not in the mood to hear any of it," she said, sweat dripping down her forehead.

Castle grabbed the towel on the edge of the bed and wiped it away from her face.

"I'm going to go see - "

"Don't go back out there."

"Just, I want to make sure."

"Castle, I'm still - I'm - Dammit."

Another contraction hit Kate just as she was about to tell him how fine she was. She squeezed his hand, breathing through the knife that was ripping through her stomach. Her hand reached down and hugged the bottom of her bump, feeling her daughter push her way down.

"That was a really big one, let me go check - "

Kate didn't stop him as he exited their hospital room. She knew how he felt. She was trying to not think about it. She was trying to focus on her daughter and not the consequences. She would remember this. Both of them would be wheeled out of this hospital in the matter of days.

The nurse - a new one - came in with Castle, her hand in his - being pulled up to the machine.

Castle backed away slightly and let her read the information.

"The contractions are progressing fast, but they are normal. You should be delivering within the night," she said, grabbing her chart from her pocket.

"Dr. Hanes should be back in here in about half an hour. Are you okay until then?"

"Well - "

"Thanks, we will be fine," Kate interrupted.

"But - wai - no. I - "

Kate pulled her hand to rest over his.

"Castle, look at me. Come here," she said as he sat in the chair next to her bed.

"I'm here, we're both here. That monitor says she's got a heartbeat. We're not going anywhere. Not this time. Okay. So sit here and wait with me, okay?"

He was still concerned. And how could he not when just two years ago they were sitting here. Two years ago, an hour from now he would be getting the worst news of his life. And two years ago, tomorrow, he would break her heart.

"Castle, I'm scared too. I'm terrified and I don't even remember what happened last time. But, we've got to get through this, okay? What happened to the Castle that's been here for the last nine months?"

He laughed, slightly easing his nerves. His hand greeted hers on top of his.

"We're going to be okay."

* * *

9 Months Earlier

The sun ripped through his blinds as she was entering the loft to finally get to bed for the first time since Tuesday. Halloween was always the time that cases piled up and, even though they wrapped up quickly, Kate spent most of her time sitting at her desk or at her white board.

She entered the bathroom that they recently got redone. Her new shower was a walk - in, a splurge that she had always wanted since she opened an Ikea magazine one afternoon.

Her toothbrush laid next to the toothpaste, not her husbands. Castle insisted on getting his new toy - you put your toothbrush up the slot and it cleans it every time you use it.

Too much, she would stick with her simple holder.

Kate finished brushing her teeth - decided against a shower - and made her way for the dresser that held her pajamas.

* * *

She made her way for the king sized bed that she immediately became used to. Her feet stretched in, trying to avoid his. Looking over, Castle was deeply asleep. Mouth open, slight snore. He was out. She adjusted herself to fit into his body without touching him completely - her feet were cold, she knew it, and she didn't want to wake him up. He was out late trying to fix severe roommate problems at Alexis' new apartment. He signed the lease so he had to fix it.

Just as she was about to fall into her sleep, his phone rang.

Castle jostled awake, shaking the bed, and hit his phone until the alarm turned off. He sat up, rubbed his eyes and muttered something that sounded like a protest.

Kate turned over, lying on her back.

"Good morning."

"Did you just get in?"

"Yeah,"

"So, it's good night for you."

"Where are you going?"

"I have to go finalize the book deal."

"Which one?"

"The one where I write the last Heat Novel."

"Oh, yeah. That one."

"That one."

"Are you sure you want to do that?"

"Kate, I told you. I don't know where else to take her."

"Yeah."

Castle bent over, kissed her lightly, and got up. Started his day as she ended hers.

"When will you be home?"

"Around dinnertime. When will you be up?"

"When you come back."

"Okay, I'll see you then."

* * *

_Thoughts? I know some have been waiting for this and now that the semester is finally almost over, I can start it! Thank you for all of your support. This is my favorite story to write, so get ready! _

_ - Meg  
_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: I greatly apologize for the amount of time it took to update! Turns out finals week was more stressful than I thought it would be. But, better late than never. And, to clarify from the first part of chapter one - she's not in labor on the same day as Aiden's birth. It's just the same timing of the actual labor, itself. Hope that helps!__  
_

* * *

Adjusting to the darkness of the room . . . not knowing what time it was, but _damn_ what was that noise?

Kate came to her awareness, hitting something – anything – on the nightstand next to her that was making that awfully loud ring. As she peeled back her eyes to see where she was aiming, she saw her husband's picture flashing on the rectangle screen.

Her phone.

Sliding the unlock button, she sat up slightly and answered her phone.

"_He_ – hello?"

"Are you still sleeping?"

"What time is it?"

"Four."

"In the afternoon!"

"Yeah."

"Oh my god. I was out," she said, sliding upward, "I'm surprised I didn't wake up."

"Yeah, me too. Are we still doing dinner?"

"Yeah, did you want to order out?"

"Yeah, no sense going anywhere if you're going to sleep through it."

"Shut it. I'm awake now."

But she wasn't. She could place herself in this bed and not wake up, for what felt like, days.

"Alright, I should be an hour and then I'll come home. Do you want me to pick up something on the way?"

"No, just come home and then we can go from there."

* * *

When Castle arrived, he twisted the key and turned the handle expecting to see a lit loft with a television on or Kate reading a book. But, when he opened the door, he had to hit the switch next to him to even step inside. Everything was off and the dishes that were in the sink remained in their fixed positions. As he opened the door, he picked up the newspaper that was juggling between his feet.

"Kate?" he shouted, confused.

He put his bag down on the table and put the newspaper in the basket next to the couch, its plastic slip in the trash. He could see through the holes in the bookshelves that she wasn't in the study. She couldn't be upstairs. There was nothing up there besides a few boxes left in Alexis' old room. Martha had moved out a month ago for their belated wedding present.

"Kate?" he whispered as he opened the door to their bedroom. The shades were still drawn and a lump was at the bottom of the bed. Her feet.

Castle sat on the edge of the bed, pulling the covers slightly away from Kate's face.

"Kate," he spoke, softly, as he rubbed her shoulder.

He waited for her to come around, see that it was just him sitting next to her.

"Did I fall asleep again?" she jumped, now sitting in the bed.

"Yeah, you did."

"I don't know why, but I am so tired."

"Well, one would be tired after working two days without any time for real sleep."

She rubbed her eyes and brought her knees to her chin – fought the urge to roll back over and fall asleep until tomorrow.

"Are you hungry?"

"Actually, no."

"Well, it's a mystery to when you last ate, so let's get up. Maybe you should wash your face? Get a little more awake?"

"Yeah, let me do that. Go get the menus out and see what you want."

Kate swung her legs over to the other side of the bed and felt the cold floor underneath. Her socks must have fallen off during the night – _or_ day. She found her slippers near the closet and put them on her feet. In the bathroom, a towel stayed where she put it this morning after coming home. After washing her face, trying to feel more energized, she brushed her teeth and changed her shirt. While walking into the kitchen, she decided to re-do the sprayed ponytail that was hanging over the back of her neck.

"Are we going somewhere?"

"No – why?"

"You changed your shirt and your hair is not falling over your shoulders."

"That doesn't mean I'm ready to leave, Castle."

"I'm kidding. Why are you changing to just go back to sleep in a few hours?" he said as he flipped through his book of menus.

"I'm trying to get up, I feel like I've been hit by a bus."

"Well, last time I checked, you haven't"

Kate joined him at the kitchen island, sliding into the round seat.

"Funny. So, what are we having?"

"I was thinking pizza."

"God, no. Let's have Chinese."

"_Oo_kayy."

"I just really don't want pizza now. I've ate that for the past two days and I think I might get sick if I even smell it one more time."

"Chinese it is."

* * *

After placing their order, Kate sat down in the corner of the sofa. Her feet sprawled out, taking up multiple spots and a blanket making her occupied space even larger.

Castle joined her, picked up her feet and laid them on top of his lap.

"Are we watching a movie?"

"Sure."

"Are you going to fall asleep before the food gets here?"

"No," she barked, giving him a look.

"Okay. Just kidding."

Kate rubbed her head, bringing another hand out from her blanket.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"Not really. I feel really out of it."

"Maybe you should go lie back down. Take a bath?"

"I'm fine. Maybe later."

"Your dad called my cell today."

"Why?"

"He needs you to send the new number. He still doesn't have our address. I gave it to him over the phone, and the number too."

"Thanks, I mean, I meant to send out those cards, but I haven't had time."

"It's okay. It's just weird that he didn't call you."

"Well, he might have. I didn't check my phone all day."

"Oh, okay. Well, after the meeting, Alexis called. Everything worked out. The roommate paid her half and said that this was a one time thing, but, I doubt it."

"Why doesn't Alexis ask her to leave. You're the name on the lease?"

"It's Alexis."

"I guess, but she's going to get annoyed eventually."

"I know, but we need to let her figure out that one before she believes us."

* * *

After dinner, and a disappointing movie, they decided to get ready for bed. Castle wasn't tired, but Kate wasn't going to make it to the bed if she waited any longer. While she was taking a bath, trying to sweat out any fever that might be developing, he took a shower and changed into his sweatpants. Brushing his fingers over Aiden's picture – like he did every night before he left the dresser – he put his phone on the charger next to the picture frame and went to his bed. Kate reappeared with a towel on her head and her pajamas replaced on her body.

"Are you feeling better?"

"I'm feeling _cleaner_. I'm just going to go to bed."

She slid next to him, her feet not touching his. Her whole body curled up, but not touching him.

Castle reached his hand up to her forehead, checking its temperature.

"You don't seem to have a fever. Maybe you're just really exhausting yourself."

"Since when did your hand have thermometer qualities?" she snapped.

Castle let this one blow over. She's really tired, like verging on unhealthy tired.

"Night, Kate."

He kissed her temple, brushed her hair away from her face and saw her eyelids already shut. She drifted off to sleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.

* * *

_Thoughts? Updates are going to be more constant now that the semester is over! _


	3. Chapter 3

There were two lines.

Two double lines that changed everything. Caused emotions to arise that weren't there for a while, hidden underneath piles of work.

Kate straightens her back, uncrosses her legs, and stands up from the edge of the tub that she had sat on. Crossing over to the sink - not taking her focus off of the parallel lines - she lies the test down on the counter. Tears form in the corner of her eyes and heat fills her face. A hand brushes them away and pushes hair behind her ear.

She can't worry about this now. She has to make sure that she doesn't worry about this now. She throws the test into the trash and ties the bag to make sure that it will not be visible when she takes it out.

She will deal with it later - tell him later.

She pulls on her sweater that bunched from sitting, opens the door and puts on her façade.

But there he is.

Her son.

Eyes closed, fingers almost around his head, forcing her to think about it. She passed this picture ever day before she left. Overtime the heat left her chest and the tears disintegrated and it became another memory on a dresser. But, today it was a person. It was her person.

Gathering herself together, Kate forces herself out the bedroom door.

He's standing there - making her breakfast like he always does. They leave together now, him and her.

Coffee in hands, they make their way to their career.

But, today was different. He was different.

"I'm making eggs, but seeing since we're late, I'm throwing them on toast . . ." he says, letting his words subside with recognition.

"Kate, are you - hey, are you okay?"

His voice brings her back to this place; back to her home. She breaks her thought from traveling and looks to her husband.

"Yes. Yea. I'm - crap. I'll be right back, I forgot - "

She runs off, trying to not bring up the subject of trash. She never takes out the trash, especially the bathroom trash bin. He would find it strange. She comes back into the room, doesn't speak, but exits the door without her shoes. He sees her, not stopping her determination, but stares at her when she reenters the loft.

He gives her a look, one that she knows means that he's questioning her, but brushes it off.

* * *

"Aren't you taking this," he says, handing her the coffee mug.

Turning her eyes to him, she looks down to see the one thing that she knows she can't have - tries to think of an excuse.

"Um, yea. Sure," she responds with an anxious smile.

She stares at the beverage that she would normally have fully consumed by now. She wants it - needs it. But she can't have it.

* * *

They reach the precinct on time as everyone is piling in for the workday. They go their normal route - elevator, stairs, desk.

She excuses herself from the boys - after their morning meeting - and makes her way to the bathroom with her coffee.

Pouring the drink down the sink was just the beginning.

_How long could she hide this?_

Last time she started to show earlier than she planned - and this is the second?

But why hide it? She's not ashamed. It's not something that she wishes would reverse itself. But it's something that she doesn't want to deal with. It took everything she had to come out of that depression. Without Castle, she probably would still be in it. Her therapist said she was recovering faster than usual - something he wanted to watch, but she remembers everything.

Kate's hands gripped the side of the sink. Thoughts flooded her focus - she remembered not wanting to get up. She remembers feeling like hooks were pulling at her heart, forcing it down deeper into her body. She remembers how her ears would go cold as the tears dried against them while she lied in her bed. She remembers her world revolving, but wanting it to end.

But it didn't have to be like this. This one could be different.

Kate leaves the bathroom, sees the boys laughing, chatting before they receive a phone call - which would be any moment now. They stop when she approaches, her mind somewhere else. Her eyes on the floor below, not looking at them. Not in this room.

"Kate?"

He sees her, knows something is wrong, but he will wait. He's learned not to discuss anything while at work. This is her place away from everything. To come and smile and laugh - solve cases. Bring others hope.

"Let's work on the cold case while we wait for the phone to ring. I don't know why we're slow, but the John Doe that we had last week could use some fresh eyes, so you three look at it. I'm going to finish the paperwork from the Gruves case."

And that's all she says. That's all she says for hours.

* * *

The boys leave - allow themselves to take a case that she approves with a wave of a hand. Castle goes with them leaving her to force her anxiety back down until she has time for it.

* * *

The sun set, people went home, but the boys were still out. Text messages let her know that they were fine, but this case is fast. They were following up lead after lead and adrenaline was helping them solve it. But, they should be arriving -

Just as she thinks it, the elevator dings and lets them out. The three tumble into the room, excited from something. Laughing and finishing their conversation.

Kate smiles to greet them, stands up.

"Ready to go?" she says.

"Yeah, sure. Do you have everything?"

She shakes her head, says her goodbyes.

In the elevator, she can tell that he wants to know. He is silently begging to ask her what is wrong. She knows he is secretly panicking. She had a set back about two weeks after their wedding. Guilt had set in. Her son wasn't here and they were happy. The simple emotion that cured her depression, but also brought it back. And now, she knows he thinks they are down that path again.

"I'm okay," she assures him.

"I - I didn't - Okay."

They exit the elevator, catch a cab - make their way home.

Once again, the silence of their elevator makes her anxious. The hidden statement that she has swallowed all day was shouting in this tiny box.

"Kate, are you sure - "

"I'm fine."

"Because you didn't - "

"Castle, I'm fine."

"But, Kate - "

She reassures him the entire way to their loft, once turning to him, hand on his chest, to say that she was really okay.

But she wasn't smiling and he knew that if she was really alright, she would smile.

He grabs her arm, pulls her back before they are fully into their home.

"Kate, tell me."

"Jesus, Castle. I don't know what I need to do - "

"Tell me."

"There's nothing to tell!"

"Something's up," he says, escalating his voice because she has now walked away.

He puts his keys on the table, shoes next to the door - he will move them later.

"Kate - "

"I'm pregnant, Castle," she shouts back.

* * *

_For those that have asked - yes I am continuing this :] - turns out when you are finished the semester you really do sit down and do nothing. And, after I did that, I discovered Downton Abbey - needless to say I have not taken my eyes off the screen for the past couple of days.__  
_

_But, this is here! I tried post updates on my tumblr (stillcatchingupDOTtumblrDOTc om).  
_

_Thoughts?  
_

_Thanks for sticking with this. I love all the support, opinions, etc.  
_

_ - Meg  
_


	4. Chapter 4

He follows her, slowly, back into their room. Cautious, he opens the door to find that she has made it to the side of the bed, but has sunk to the floor. Facing away from him, he sees that her arms stretch around her legs, reaching down to her feet. Her head rests on her knees letting her hair fall over. And her quick breathing tells him that she is crying.

He knows exactly how this went. She walked into the room, stumbling because she couldn't see. Tears fogged her sight as her legs began to give. She tried to sit on the bed, but the unsuitableness of the comforter forced her to the floor. Her stoic nature was crumbling underneath of her.

He's seen it before.

"Kate," he says, softly, pushing the door slightly.

He takes two steps into the room – his shoes echoing – as she sits too far from him.

"Kate," he repeats.

He slides next to her, pushing her further down the edge of the bed, and mirrors her position.

"Can we talk about this?" he intrudes, trying to hide his happiness. She can't see him smile, not while her face is buried in her knees.

She doesn't answer, but she wants to say yes. She needs to make sure he knows that she wants this: this family that they talked about. But words are far from her.

"I know you're scared. I am too – "

"I'm not scared. I mean," she breathes, "I'm not scared of what you think I'm scared of," she manages to say, sniffles and belated speech interfering with her.

"Well, can you tell me?"

She adjusts her back, straightens it against the bed frame, and lifts her tear streaked face from her hands. He moves with her, allowing one knee to fall to the ground.

"What if it happens again – not the, you know. But, what if it all happens again. We have this baby and then I'm upset. I don't want to leave my room. What if it happens before, while I'm pregnant."

She looks to him, hands moving with her talk, her eyes, vulnerable.

He sees it. Her flexible wall is down. It was fighting strong when she yelled at him, but now, she's her innocent self, trying to figure out how to feel this.

"Kate, I'm here. Are you worried about not loving this baby?"

Even as he says it his face brightens. _A baby._ They are going to have a baby.

"No. Yes. I don't know."

"I'm never leaving you _or_ this child. I'm here the entire time. You and me. We can do this. And I'm not going to let you fall down again. We're going to make it through this together."

She clears her throat, face more determined, and shakes her head. His words reassuring her in every way possible.

"And you won't forget."

His words send a sting down her body, alerting her senses. He read her mind, but not about something miniscule. He realized that she was trying to not forget.

"I feel it too, Kate. But we won't forget. He's going to have a little brother or sister and they are going to know."

She folds her hands, gives her something to do, as she regains control of herself. A silent pause between them allows the mood to begin to change.

He rubs her knee, eyes gleaming up at her. He leans in, softly, "we're going to have a baby."

"Yes," she smiles back, sniffling, "we're going to have a baby."

* * *

_A very short chapter, I apologize - I'm writing it on a rather busy day. But, here you go!_

_Also, as a side note - is there any other part of this story that you would like to know. Other characters, other times - other "branches" so to speak. I've been thinking about where to explore this and I think other parts that have been skipped over might be interesting. Let me know!  
_

_ - Meg  
_


	5. Chapter 5

"Okay, let's see..."

Kate sits on the edge of the bed in the doctor's office. Castle would be here - any minute now if he knew what was good for him.

"It looks like you're about twelve weeks now . . . everything looks good. Signs are all normal. You are probably experiencing some nausea, I'm assuming?"

Kate shakes her head yes. Her examination went well, quick, easy. Like she remembered.

"Is your husband -"

The doctor stops, interrupted by a crashing sound outside of their door.

"I'm here, here - I'm -" Castle shouts, breathing heavily, shaking off the cloth that was sticking to the end of his leg from the cart he knocked over.

"This is him," Kate answers.

He comes around, grabs her hand, and sits next to her.

"What did I miss - I'm sorry, I was in traffic trying to get across town, I had a meeting, but - "

"You're fine, Mr. Castle. I was just telling your wife that everything looks great," the doctor says, smiling.

"That's great," he says, settling his breathing.

"I asked her to postpone the ultrasound - I was waiting for you," she says, looking at his face for the first time since this morning.

"Thanks, yes. Okay."

"Well, let me get the technician - get it set up and then I'll be back."

Kate shakes her head in agreement as her doctor leaves the room.

"What happened to Dr. Hanes? I thought we were going with him because you knew him?"

"I wanted a new person, new face."

"Okay…" he says, not questioning anything, "…did you ask her about the dizziness?"

"Yeah, earlier. She said it was completely normal and should start to go away, and leave as I go into my fifth month, but if it doesn't then we have to come back."

"Okay, as long as it's normal."

He sits next to her, still and silent. A nurse comes in asking them to walk to the room next door. Kate stands, ignoring his hand for support, and walks.

* * *

"They should only be a moment," the nurse says, leaving them alone.

Silence consumes them, nothing else in the room but a silent humming from the air unit somewhere behind them.

"How are you – "

"Don't even," she says, bringing up a hand, "do not ask me how I'm feeling today. I am not in the mood."

He ignores her. Moodiness had set in, but other things were adding to her change of pace.

"Are we ready?" the doctor interrupts, only giving slight warning of her entrance by knocking.

"When can we know the gender?" Castle blurts out before she can even sit down.

"Castle, I thought we were waiting," Kate replies with the most enthusiasm she's shown all day.

"We are. I just want to know when he or she is becoming a he or she," he says.

Kate rolls her eyes, lets him do his thing as the doctor answers.

"Well, now they are developing, and sometimes we can tell, but usually not until a few more months."

The doctor pauses as she sets up her chart. She goes through her steps, hits the 'this might be cold' one, and then it's there.

The little bump in the gray screen, fluttering. The screen flickers on the edges, but the slight mark in the middle lies curved and centered.

Castle lets his eyes light up, hands grabbing hers as he slightly inches forward. Kate hasn't been as excited this time. Her fatigue was greatly increasing over the weeks and her nausea has worsened. And, on top of the stress of having a second pregnancy, with her history, her mind was occupied.

"There it is," he says, nudging her.

Her head turns, giving in to the desire to see the body inside her. Just a line – a speck – that has consumed her mind within seconds. The image is the size of half a finger, barely even an image. She's seen this before. But this one is different. She lets a hand rise to the screen and a finger brush against the glass. She knows it's a different person - it feels different. The love, the same that she felt before, is here again. There was no prerequisite danger that came with it. She feels connected.

"Yeah, there it is," she responds.

"Do you want to hear the heartbeat?" the doctor interrupts.

Kate's head tilts down to her, breaking her trance.

"We'd love to," Castle answers.

The doctor pulls out a different instrument from the one delivering the image and places it on the lower part of her stomach.

And then she hears it.

Somehow completing the emotion she's felt, the quickened noise that overcomes the room brings tears to her eyes. She wants to fight it. It's strong and it's hurt her in the past: this overcoming emotion that plunged her into a depression - it was too much. But it was here. And it was bright.

* * *

"Today was a good day," he says, rubbing her knee, looking at their child's first picture.

Kate shakes her head, leaning further into the pillow.

"I think you did well."

She hates it. He's been treating her like a child again ever since the night she told him. She didn't snap out of it. The guilt reappeared and her depression resurfaced. She didn't want to let him know, but he knew it immediately.

"I think we should frame this, put it next to Aiden's?"

Kate lets her head sink, fights the lump in her throat. She moves her knee, and her other, until she is sitting upright and her feet on the edge of the couch. She waits a minute, ignores his glare, and stands.

"Ready for bed?" he says, looking up to her.

"Give me a second."

She walks, ignoring him again, until she's face to face with her first child. Grabbing the picture frame and rubbing the black edges with her finger, she brings it to her bed. Her legs giving into the edge of the mattress, Kate sits on the end without breaking her trance.

_Is this fair to you?_

She is happy – she wishes she could gather the humility to tell Castle that. She wants to let him know that she is ecstatic that they are going to expand their alternate family. But, every single time she wants to smile, laugh, feel the slight bump in her stomach and imagine what kind of person she is creating, she feels lost. Kate is brought back to the scene of blue where she felt the soft hair above her lifeless child.

A tear drips, but she wipes it away – enough of it all.

Kate stands up, glancing at the picture one more time, and puts it back to its designated spot to the left of her jewelry box.

"You know, you can be sad," Castle says, leaning in the door frame.

She smiles up at him, the first time her face has risen in happiness this week.

He comes around and fills his hands around her waist knowing that she will lean into him.

"I know, but I don't want to be."

"It will take time, just let it happen."

She breaks her hug and moves backward to sit down – him doing the same.

"I just –" she says, looking into her hands, " – I don't want to – I don't want to be that person who forgets – "

"Kate, I don't think that type of a person exists."

"I know, but – I mean – we're going to have this child and then we're busy, and we're running around and going to work and daycare and then they'll start school and we will be driving back and forth to play dates and school plays and sooner or later the time we spend looking at the small picture on the dresser will become less and less. Our living child will know him as the picture that we keep in our room or the brother that she never met."

"Or we can get another picture and put it in the family room. Or we can tell a story – the few we have – until he or she is mocking us to our faces about how many times we tell it. We can tell how we prepared, what he looked like. Most importantly, we can let him be here with us."

She sits, silent.

"Kate . . ." he begins, moving closer to face her, "and, don't take this in a bad way, but I met him too. Before you begged me to take you to him, I saw him. I watched them take his foot and press it to the paper. I saw his hair – the little that he had – and I saw them wrap him in a blanket. Standing there, looking through the window, I could ignore it all, for a second, and see a boy that we would have amazed each other with. And this one, right here, will be just as good."

* * *

He jolts awake, something unknown bringing him back to the dark room. He turns to his side, still sitting up and sees Kate asleep. He is about to roll over into her and fall asleep as well, but his hip hits something. Fallen between them is a book. Fingering the pages in the dark, he grabs the book and brings it close to his face to see it.

_If it's his, he wants to mark - _

But it's not. Curious about what Kate was reading, he feels the pages and feels the indent of a pen mark underneath - it's hand written.

Looking to his left to see if he has brought her to a lighter sleep, he gently waves his hands in front of her face.

Nothing.

Swinging his legs around the side of the bed, he silently exits the room praying that she will not wake - as if he was a child getting away with something.

After their talk, things became light. Their playful banter returned - as it did before - here and there.

He sits on the couch, turns on the light and sees that today - now yesterday - is written at the top.

_A journal._

He shouldn't read it, he really shouldn't. This was her space, but he needed to. He's brought back to the need to protect hanging over him.

_Today we saw your brother or sister -  
_

He realizes what this is - what she's started - and he flips through the previous pages to see that it wasn't recent. She's been writing in this for almost a year. Turning it on its spine to see the sticker that his finger has brushed - it's a number three.

Three books she has gone through, writing to him.

_I love them so much, seeing them on the screen, as much as I love you. But it's not fair. This baby will be healthy - and I pray that it is, with everything that I have - but you won't get to see them, play with them - _

_He's doing really well, my stable wall that I can lean against through this. It's been hard -  
_

Castle stops, suddenly feeling like he has intruded on her. He stands to return to his bed when he drops the book. It slams to the hardwood floor and he freezes - he can see the silhouette of her still lying in his bed.

When he bends to pick up the book, he sees the last page.

_What if we get so attached to this baby again and something happens. Something goes wrong and we have to do it all over again because I don't know if I can - I don't know if I'll make it through it again._

He shuts the book and enters. Carefully - silently - sliding back the sheets and slipping into his spot, he puts the book back where he found it - she'll wake up and realize and hide it again.

* * *

The next day, as she is walking into the kitchen after taking a shower, he's sitting on the edge of the stool eating something he threw together from the fridge. Looking at her as she walks around, he wants to shout it to her, but her smile - and the last line of the entry - assures him that she knows.

_He won't let that happen._

* * *

_Thoughts?_


	6. Chapter 6

"Okay, yeah - um - okay, you two," Kate says, pointing to Ryan and Esposito, " you go and find out where he was that night. See if we can use it to bring him in."

Her hands pull her chair closer to her desk, getting ready to begin typing. Castle is next to her, as usual. He hasn't moved in the past couple of weeks - hasn't gone on any trips with the boys to bring someone in or collect evidence. She was beginning to show - everyone knew about the baby, so it was simply desk duty for her, but it didn't have to be for him.

She brings her hand to her forehead to try to rub away the headache that had pestered her all day.

"You can go with them, you know."

He looks to her, breaking his trance from the words on the page.

"What?"

"You can go with them to bring Mr. Austen in."

"Oh - no. It's okay. I can stay."

"Castle, go -"

"No, I'm -"

"For me. I'm going crazy already and we have at least four, probably five, more months of this and I need a play-by-play. One that I understand and that doesn't involve simply the details about the suspect. I need something interesting to keep me going."

He looks at her, surprised - confused - but willing. He has sat in this chair beside her desk for too long and the opportunity to leave the precinct and do real police work seemed like heaven.

"Okay, I'll go," he replies, standing up, "do you want anything?"

"No, I'm good."

Castle kisses the back of her head and walks towards the elevator.

"Okay, _maybe_ something to eat - something good."

They return much later, giving the sun enough time to set and disappear. Kate had ordered lunch - and was about to order dinner - when the smell let her know that they were back. Although she had been dying for whatever he brought back, she felt off. Her headache had turned into drowsiness and her body was succumbing to its overtake.

"Hey, Kate. We got burgers," Castle says, setting the back down in the meeting room.

"Okay, great. But I think I'm going to hold off for a little."

"Why, did you already eat?"

"No, but I just want to wait a little."

He brushes it off as nothing as he and the boys begin their dinner.

* * *

"Hey, Castle, can you come here."

Kate remained at her desk while they ate dinner - tossed it up to nausea because they would believe it.

"Yeah, what's wrong?"

"I'm not feeling good, can we go home? I think they can handle the rest, and even if they can't, I don't think I'm going to last another -"

Her words get cut off by a sudden coughing attack that she had felt building in her chest for a while.

Castle rubs her back and waits for it to diminish.

* * *

"I'm fine, just a cold," she says, still coughing sporadically. They enter their loft, putting her work keys on the table and her coat in the closet.

"Okay, but go get in bed, I'll bring in something that you can eat - maybe."

"Ugh - no food. Please."

He walks further into the living room, fishing through the mail.

"Okay, maybe in a bit. Go lie down."

She walks towards the bedroom, feeling light headed from the congestion.

"I'm going to call the doctor, just in case," he shouts from the kitchen.

Kate waves a hand, brushing off his suggestion because she knows it's the best decision and, if he calls, she doesn't have too.

* * *

"Okay, so I wasn't able to get a hold of your doctor, but I got the nurse and she said that we need to watch your temperature and see if it goes over 101. Otherwise, it's a cold, possibly the flu."

She shakes her head, pulling an over-sized shirt over her body.

"Why don't you get a shower - better yet, take a bath?"

"I don't think I can stand long enough and, really, I just want to sleep."

He agrees and pulls back the sheets so she can slide into bed.

"Try to sleep as much as you can before the congestion sets in."

* * *

They made it through the night. She suggested he sleep in his study - or one of the other bedrooms so he wouldn't get sick, but he didn't want to. He wanted to check her fever in case it did go up. The coughing didn't become too bad - not until morning.

Castle was forced awake by sound of sniffling next to him - she must not be able to breathe through her nose at this point. He rolls over, finds that her back is to him, but she is still asleep. Trying not to wake her - because she wouldn't be able to get back to sleep - he rubs her back and brushes his hand over her forehead. Her fever doesn't seem as bad as it could be, so he lets her sleep. But Kate's back arches forward, her knees coming up closer to her.

"Castle," she whispers.

"You're okay," he guides her to sit, "it will pass."

A coughing spell has her hunched over, clutching her stomach. It's only a handful of seconds, but it's enough to leave her throat scratchy and take her energy. Kate breathes heavily, jaw clenched, as she finds her rhythm again. She's awake now. Not being able to take anything to knock her out puts a hinder on the "rest" part of her treatment.

"How are you feeling?"

"My head hurts. And my legs."

"Well, I felt your head and you have a bit of a fever, but I don't think it's anything. We can take your temperature," he suggests, motioning to the thermometer next to her.

Kate takes it, puts it in her ear, and waits for the beep.

"100.3"

"Nothing too bad. But you're not going to feel well."

She shakes her head, closes her eyes, but doesn't lie back down.

"I can't breathe through my nose and my throat hurts when I breathe through my mouth."

He slides next to her, wraps his hands around her wait.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what to do. You can take a bath?"

"Can we just sit in the bathroom? With the water running. I really don't want to get out of my clothes. It's too cold."

"Whatever you want."

"Wait, I'm getting tired again. Can we do that when I wake up?"

"Sure, Kate. Go back to sleep."

* * *

She's once again awakened by a spasm that makes her throat hurt more than it should. Her voice is hoarse, meaning that her throat has given in to the endless coughing.

"You're fine," Castle says, running in from the living room. He grabs her hands as she leans into him, coughing into his chest. Her head is under his chin, and it bumps him every time she wheezes. She coughs here and there, but these rare fits hurt her more.

"Castle –" she tries, "lets sit in the bathroom now."

She stands, light-headed from the toll that the fever and the coughing are taking on her – and the lack of food. He guides her to the floor next to the tub, leans her against it for support. He turns on the shower to as hot as it can go and shuts the door. Within moments the steam begins to come out of the top and fill the room. He looks at it, making sure that it's doing its job, and sits down next to her.

Kate's head slides to his shoulder and her hand around her stomach – clutching her baby or her aching sides; either one.

* * *

Time passes, and Castle thought she was falling asleep – the silence of her breathing indicating that the steam was working – but her head rolled up, looking at him.

Kate gave him the smile that he loved, knowing that it had been rough between them. The past three months have been difficult. Finding out they were pregnant only to succumb to her depression. But he tried, he really did, but after enough berating on her part, he did snap. And they fought.

But now they agreed to be civil. They still love each other. Very much, he had reminded her. But they were struggling.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

He opens his eyes and looks down at her, a hand brushing hair away from her face. Moisture has dampened the ends of her hair and it's sticking to her face.

"What?"

"I'm sorry. About everything."

He turns her so she can sit up to face him.

"Kate, we're okay."

"No, I want to say this – because I've been unfair to you."

"No you haven't, let's just sit here."

"Rick, no. I've been mean. Ever since Josh left, I haven't thanked you – or"

"Kate, I didn't expect a thank you. God – you – simply being in this room, sitting next to me. It's thank you enough."

She smiles, her hand running against his jaw.

"I am sorry."

"Apology accepted."

"Are we good then? Can we go back to normal?"

"We're good."

He moves into her, picks her up to sit on his lap. She curls into his neck, getting ready to fall asleep. His fingers lift her chin up to see his face.

"Don't," she stops him, "you'll get sick."

"I don't care," he says with a smile.

He kisses her.

He kisses her like he did before they were pregnant. Before this whole emotional conundrum exploded on their front door.

And somehow, it fixes them.

* * *

_Once again, sorry for the lateness of the update. My classes started up and - inspiration for this - I got the flu._

_Thoughts?  
_


	7. Chapter 7

The strange thing about words is that they can change everything but still be weightless.

They said things were going to get better. And they should have. They were newly married and had an unexpected child about to bless them in three months. They should be preparing to greet this little one with a balanced house. It's their first-born - technically their second - but their first child that they will get to physically raise.

But they fought. He didn't want to fight, not like this. He wanted to wrap her in his arms when he got home. He wanted to talk to her stomach and help coax his child into development. Seeing her was still the highlight of his day. Watching her fix her shirt while she stood at the murder board, her torso becoming too much for the shirt to hold while she reached to the top. These silent memories that he would have and remember.

But when he went to hug her, she shrugged him off. When he went to talk to his baby, she shooed him away. Instead of crying with him, she cried alone. They were together, and they lived together, but their emotional lives were unraveling.

"Castle, I can't go, but I need you to pick up this elderly witness and make sure he doesn't hurt himself getting to the precinct. I still can't go interview him at his house because of some rule that Gates told me."

Her trust is in the words and he knows that. They were nowhere near separation. As far as he knew, that was never going to be in the cards. They could fix themselves - they have before. At work, their partnership developed into one mentality. More than it already had before. She knew that if she couldn't get something done, he could - within reason. Now that she was six months pregnant, she didn't question his authority to ride with the boys. He would return and give her a report just as she liked. He knew how she thought.

* * *

This man lives on the bottom level of a rusty apartment. Nothing stands out to Castle. Esposito called ahead, letting the man know that they were coming. Castle looked at the file on the seat as he situated himself inside the car. They were picking up a Mr. Graves, 87 years old. He lives with his dog. His wife died four years ago. Castle didn't know all the specifics on the case. It was dry - boring. He was doing the busy work while Kate tied the bows back at the office. With one statement from Mr. Graves, they would be done and the accidental murder would be solved.

"Mr. Graves. Detective Esposito. I called earlier. We're here to escort you to the station."

It was quiet. Being that it is a Monday at 11:30 in the morning, people are at work. The sign outside says that this building doesn't allow children. The tranquility is understood. Castle hears a recliner shut and a walker grow louder. The locks turn and soon a gray-haired, hunched, old man greets them. His walker, unstable because it was missing a tennis ball, is leaning towards the men.

"I'll be right one second. Come in. I have to grab my wallet."

Mr. Graves hobbles to the counter, places his wallet inside his pocket and turns to make his way to the door.

Castle remarks that the room smelled like old people - to Esposito. He wouldn't dare let Mr. Graves hear that.

* * *

They arrive back at the station and get the old man inside the elevator. Castle can tell that Esposito is shadowing his annoyance of how tediously slow they are going. The elevator dings and they settle into their respective floor at the station. Kate is sitting in the exact spot that they left her. Esposito nods his head, silently allowing Castle to walk ahead of him as he - arm in arm - aids the old man to the couches in the waiting room.

"We brought him up."

"Took you long enough,"

"Do you see him, Kate? He might break when he sits down on the couch."

She smiles, not bring her gaze up to see his.

"Okay, well I have questions ready. Can you just write them down for me? I am so out of it today. Focusing on both might make this longer."

He takes the legal pad where she has short-handedly written out four - no, five - questions. They're the usual.

_Where were you on Friday night?_

And when he answered as she suspected,

_What did you see?_

It was a textbook interview and it should be done before the hour was over.

* * *

But didn't expect was the man to talk about his late wife as if she were the sun and stars. Mr. Graves married his wife in the 1950s, but they were never able to have any surviving children. He remarked at how beautiful Kate looked, and she smiled - acting polite to this man.

Castle shakes his head_ yes_ when she answers him about who was the lucky man. Mr. Graves wished for children - as did his wife - but they we're not blessed with any over the age of one.

Their interview finished. It was longer than the expected, but no one seemed to be aggravated. Castle - hungry for stories - loved to hear the man talk about how his wife was the strongest he's ever known. When he thought they were at their worst, she would surprise him and their life wouldn't seem as bad.

Kate wanted the answers but secretly enjoyed hearing about his past. It made her trust in this man develop more. His statement was credible. The murder took place just as the sun was setting. He had made his way to take his dog outside - something that the neighbor usually does, but she was sick that night. Therefore, Mr. Graves had to make the trek to the side yard.

Kate left, leaving Castle to entertain the man as she processed his interview.

"You're lucky, you know. She seems wonderful."

"She is," Castle responds, looking at his hands.

The men sat opposite from each other. Mr. Graves' walker was to the right of the table. He was sitting back on the couch, hands at his sides.

Their pause was awkward and Castle's curiosity was eating at him.

"Can I ask you something?" he interrupts.

"Sure. Did you want to bring her back in so you can write it down?"

"No, sorry - I, uh - I wanted this to be off of her record."

"What's on your mind?"

"How long were you and Mrs. Graves married for?"

"A long time, me and my Lilly."

He shakes his head in agreement.

"How did you make it work? If that's not too personal."

"Not at all. You see," he says, pulling at his pant leg, "when we got married, we were young. We didn't know anything. Heck, I proposed to her after two months of knowing her. She said yes and she made me the happiest man. We were poor, living in a split house with another family who had six kids and only two bedrooms. Living like that you start to learn how to tolerate things."

Mr. Graves clears his throat and sits further up on the couch.

"When I finally got a better job, we moved out. The market was wonderful for houses so we bought one with enough bedrooms for all the children we dreamed about. We would spend all night talking about names. But timed passed and it just wasn't in our cards. She was upset, yes. So was I. Losing a child, nothing's worse - regardless of the circumstances."

Castle understands, but he doesn't want him to know.

"So you substitute your anger for love; your sorrow for grace. You take all the energy you have that you hate and you make it something better. See, Lilly was my world. She made everyday healthier simply by waking up next to me."

"But how do you make sure she knows that when she's so angry?"

"You love her. You use your common sense. It will always know better than you."

Mr. Graves sits on the edge of the seat, talking with his hands now.

"And I have advice for you. You see that woman - "

He points to Kate, who is standing over her desk putting papers in their places.

"She's tired. She's doing her job and she's scared to let herself feel scared - I can tell the look. Don't beg her scared; it's not good. But you go to work - work hard. Provide for them. Let her think that she's right because she probably will be when you realize."

Castle laughs knowing that it's all too true.

"And you love her. Simple. Something can't break if it's unbreakable. It can just be scratched a little."

Castle lets the last sentence sink in as Ryan breaks into the room.

"Okay, Mr. Graves. There's no sense in making you wait. I've got the okay from the boss to let you go home."

"Oh, okay. Good."

Ryan slides his arm underneath the man's and brings him to his walker.

They exit, leaving Castle alone on the couch, hands still intertwined.

Kate walks over with a folder resting in her hands, using one to push open the door. Without breaking her focus, she begins to tell Castle what she's got left to do. When he doesn't respond, she looks to him.

"Castle, are you okay?"

He smiles and stands.

"Perfect."

He squeezes her arm, kisses her on the cheek, and walks past her.

Somehow, even though nothing has physically changed between them, he knows that this time, they are permanently better.

* * *

_I feel like a broken record, but I do apologize for the delay of this chapter. I "work" for two magazines and they are both publishing next week - just in time for all of my school work to kick up again. I'll try to squeeze more in while I have this down time :]_

_Thoughts on this chapter? I hope this story isn't dragging. If so, let me know. I'll change it where I need to.  
_

_As always - especially because of my schedule - I can answer you easily at meggh11 (twitter) or (stillcatchingupDOTtumblrDOTc om)  
_

_ - Meg  
_


	8. Chapter 8

Kate awoke feeling strange. Castle already left earlier in the morning to fly somewhere – Kate knew where, but not at this early moment – and he would be back in two days. Something about last-minute meetings and that it was easier for him to go there instead of them coming here. He had decided against ending the Nikki Heat series a couple of months ago and instead wanted to postpone it until the right moment came along. They were financially settled and with the release of this "last" novel, a revival would spark much more publicity later down the line.

Rubbing a hand under her stomach and feeling that her pants had scooted down, Kate pulled them up and braced herself for the cold of the apartment. Sliding her feet into stretched out slippers, she went to the kitchen to eat - anything really. An upset stomach for a few days made her nauseous at even the sight of food. Grabbing everything she needed to make a fruit smoothie - and waffles - and maybe a pancake or two - she shuffled around the kitchen, but couldn't shake the looming feeling over her head.

What was she overlooking?

It wasn't about the baby - they still had two months to go - and she would notice if she felt sick, not off.

Blocking it from her mind, she finished making her breakfast and went to sit on the couch while she ate it all. The TV was on, a new obsession since being forcefully placed on maternity leave once again. Normally she would still be at her desk working on anything she could get her hands on, but because the positioning of the baby was slightly concerning, it was "suggested" she spend more time at home. One thing led to another and Gates asked her to take it early. It was disappointing at first, but Castle did point out that things could be worse - she could be on bed rest.

Kate didn't think about it too much. The baby was fine. The positioning "might become too uncomfortable," but it wasn't the baby.

Today was the first day that Castle was back at work – and miles away. Normally he sat in his office, working, but he was still in the apartment - his protective aura pestering Kate throughout the day. They were better. She was talking to him more and he was responding. But Kate still felt being able to reach her feet without straining her already sore back, she left her slippers on, but changed into her "day clothes" which consisted of baggy sweatpants and a zip-up hoodie - not far from what she wore to bed.

"Richard! I left -"

Kate swung out from the bedroom door to see her mother-in-law standing in her foyer.

"Martha?"

"Oh, darling. I thought Richard was home. Did I wake you? I'm so sorry. I should have knocked. Please -"

"No, you didn't wake me, Martha, you're fine," Kate reassured her as she left her bedroom.

"Then what are you doing up? You need to get yourself back into that bed. Sit down, let me get you something."

"I'm fine," Kate said, a smile enforcing her politeness. "Castle left earlier. Did you need him? I can call try his phone..."

"Oh, no, no. That's fine. I just wanted to let him know that I left something upstairs and that I would be taking it today."

"Oh, by all means - " Kate said, gesturing to the stairs, assuming she left it in her room. Martha had moved out, but Castle felt that it was unfair to completely get rid of her presence in the apartment, especially when they had a newborn only a few months away and might need some help.

Martha went upstairs, leaving Kate to uncomfortably wait for her to leave. They had gotten closer from whatever they were before this, but there was always something between them. Shifting from one foot to another, Kate decided to sit down and leave Martha to her own adventure in their guest-turned-storage room.

"Darling, I am not sure where I put it. I'll have to come by another time," she said, bellowing from her room and down the stairs.

Kate sat up on the couch, rotating to try to stand.

"No, don't stand. Sit down," Martha insisted, looming over her from the stairs, "did you eat? Are you hungry – "

" – I did eat, thanks. I was just about – "

"Well let me help with something? It's not everyday that I can help you two with anything around here. I have the day. What do you need done?"

This was the last thing Kate wanted. She looked forward to a day of sleeping here and sleeping there. Taking bubble baths and eating food. With Castle gone, she wanted days of _whatever_.

"Actually, we're quite – "  
"Nonsense. Your tiny body carrying another tiny body – you must have something that you can't finish. And with Richard gone like this?"

"He's not gone. He went to work. Trust me, I'm - "

"Oh! I know. Let me see what the nursery looks like – "

"Um – well, wait!"

Kate rose to her feet as quick as she could, but Martha had already taken off up the stairs.

" – maybe I can put things away. Fold some clothes – "

"Martha, wait!"

"You need something done, my girl, and I'm going to do it."

Kate brushed her hair away from her face as she maneuvered up the stairs – a place where she has avoided for this exact reason.

"Where will it be? Certainty not my old room – "

Standing at the top to take a breath, Kate heard the woman already further down the hallway.

" – there's nothing in there. And Alexis will want her room when she comes back from school, but then there's – "

Kate stopped, knowing what room her mother-in-law just turned into. She was opening the door to the nursery – the _empty_ nursery.

"What is this?"

Kate walked, slowly, to the room that was just four walls and a few windows.

"This is where we will keep the baby, Martha."

"But it's nothing!"

"We hadn't gotten around to it."

"My dear, when were you planning on doing it? When the child could paint it itself?"

It's true. They really needed to figure this out. But now? They didn't have the time. That was wrong. It was just another excuse Kate was making to put off decorating the room. She knew why she wasn't. She didn't tell Castle. She just made it so they were always busy – at least one of them – so they didn't have the time. And when they did, Kate would suddenly receive a dire call to get them back to the precinct.

"We're planning on doing it. Soon."

"I should hope so."

A pause floated around them, making the room seem bigger than the spare bedroom that it was.

"Lets get you back downstairs."

* * *

"Do you want anything? Tea? A blanket?"

"I'm fine, Martha, really," Kate said with a laugh.

"Let me get you a blanket."

Martha was off finding something to cover Kate. She was in a world of her own and twenty minutes ago Kate realized that it was easier to let her do what she wanted. She had forced Kate to the couch and continued to sit next to her and channel flip until she found something that _she would just love_. Stretching her jacket so it fit past her stomach again, she dug her body into the couch so, when she was finally alone, she could mindlessly drift into a world of her own.

"I found you a blanket, but I also found your two hampers, so let me throw it into the wash real quick."

Without the energy to protest, Kate took the blanket and thanked her. She rested her head on the arm of the couch and fell asleep to the noise of the washer being loaded.

* * *

She woke to the smell of something baking. Turning her head to see what it was, she saw no sign of Martha. Kate pushed herself off of the couch and arose to her feet. Stretching, and cracking her back, she walked over to oven to find cookies baking on a sheet. Rubbing her stomach where her baby's foot was pushing – hard – Kate walked into the laundry room, but did not find anyone. She wasn't in their bedroom –

Kate was right. Her eyes still adjusting to the room from suddenly waking from a nap, she rubbed them, trying to think of where she would be. Martha wouldn't just leave the oven on without waking Kate –

"Oh, you're up! Good. I was just about to get the cookies out."

Martha entered the loft shutting the door behind her.

"I just emptied the trash real quick. It was getting a little much for the bin…"

Kate just smiled. They walked into the kitchen, Kate sitting at the island and Martha reaching for an oven mitt.

"So, let's find out why you haven't gotten a crib..."

Martha's eyes knew. She put the cookie tray on the top of the oven and took the mitt off.

"We just haven't had time," Kate said, trying to brush it away.

"No, you have time. I walked in and you were here. You're still here and I don't think you're going anywhere. So why is it."

Kate was speechless. The words weren't forming, but that didn't stop her from trying to speak.

"I think I know exactly why."

Martha came around to her side of the island and sat in the chair next to Kate and faced her.

"I think you know why too."

"Uh, Martha, I – "

"No, you don't have to speak. I'm not accusing you of anything. But my son does talk to me, you know."

Suddenly Kate knew what was bothering her. She felt embarrassed.

"He knows you love him. He does. But he's worried, Kate."

Kate adjusted herself in the chair, pulling her sweatshirt down once more.

"Every time I talk to him he tells me something about that little guy in there. Something. Anything. That you felt a kick – not the first time - but the eightieth time. He is so excited and he's afraid that you're not."

The words stabbed her. She knew why she felt off. She had subconsciously understood it from the beginning. Martha grabbed Kate's hand that was resting on her thigh.

"This baby will be fine."

Kate held back her tears, trying to not cry in front of her. _Then she'd never leave._

"You can buy a crib, paint the room. We can throw a baby shower and have fun. You and Richard can look at names. You can prepare."

Allowing herself to accept this was hard. She knew she wanted to – needed to – but that was different from knowing how to. The permission that Martha suggested did help, but it didn't work completely.

"We – we are – but, "

"I don't know what you're going through. Few of us do. But you need to force yourself past it so you can enjoy these last two months and then the rest of your life."

Kate tried, hard, to hold down the lump in her throat – the pain radiating from her neck to her chest.

"But – but."

"No, honey. No buts."

"But what if it's in me. What if this strange thing happens again and I have to – I have to let go – I have to – "

She let it out. Her fear that she had danced around for seven months.

Martha took other hand, leaning her head to catch Kate's downward glance.

"I think it will help – to get a crib. Paint the room. Don't you?"

Kate shook her head like a child. She felt like a child.

"But – if we get a crib – and, and – I have to let it go again."

"That fear will be there and it's going to hurt. But one day it will be less and the next day will be even smaller. And then one day it's only a ping of fear – because you will be a mother with a child."

Kate let her tears fall – silent ones. Single tears that were finally breaking through.

"I've been so mean to him, you know? Just horrible."

"You've been understandable."

They sat there, Martha still rubbing her hand and Kate still staring down. The tears fell to her sweatshirt turning some parts dark gray.

"I just – I've put him off through this entire thing. I saw myself doing it and I didn't stop. I didn't know how to," she said, raising her head. "He left this morning. He told me that he was leaving to go to his meetings. But he kissed me on the forehead. I didn't even get up. Before this. Before Aiden – even as friends – I would have sent him a text that was more heartfelt than that."

"Honey, he gets it. You two are telling me the same thing. When he gets home, let him know. Trust me – he will feel better. And you will too."

* * *

Kate spent the next two days cleaning the apartment – to a certain extent – trying to keep her mind busy. She was dreading talking to Castle, but knew it had to be done. She wanted to give him something. Something to make up for what they have been going through. He was always talking about the nursery. And when they sat down to think about paint colors, they disagreed. He didn't want to have the common yellow and green because everyone did that. But Kate said it would be good enough until the child gets older and then they can give them a better room.

Kate looked at the time on the stove – he'd be here in an hour. But he's off the plane, probably. She checked her phone, sent him a quick text to make sure he was okay, and set it back down on the table.

Kate sat at the island. Got bored. Moved to the couch. Maybe she'd take a shower? She didn't have time to dry her hair. 45 minutes.

Turning on the television, flipping channels, Kate suddenly became tired again. Moving around all day exhausted her, but adrenaline hid it until now.

* * *

"Kate. Kate. Katttee. Wake up," Castle whispered as he nudged her arm.

Kate opened her eyes and rubbed them because they were blurry. She looked over to see him sitting next to her.

"Oh, really! I fell asleep. I was planning on greeting you at the door."

"It's okay. I didn't want to wake you, but I figured if me making noise woke you, you would get worried."

She smiled and sat up.

"How was your trip."

"Long," he emphasized as he stood up to go to the kitchen. "All we did was argue over the release dates and the time frame of the next book."

"Did you get anything done?" she said as she joined him in the kitchen.

"Yes and no. We're closer. We set a date and a theme for the next book."

He was making them something to eat as he spoke. Kate looked at the time. It was already 6:30? He had been late and she didn't even know it. Somehow, she was happy that she missed that.

"What's the new theme?"

"If I tell you, I'd have to kill you."

She laughed.

"No, really. What is it."

"I really can't even tell you because I'm not sure myself. They want to have it like the rest of the books, but not at the same time. Something new, but still a cop chase thing."

"What's new about murder…unless it's the case itself."

"That's what I need to get to them by the end of the month."

She shuffled in her seat. He put down the spoon he was using and walked to her.

"And how is this little guy – "

" – or girl."

" – or _girl. _What did you two do?"

"Well your mother came by."

His face said it all: _Sorry, but why. What was she doing? How long did she stay? Sorry. _

"It's fine. She just wanted to pick something up."

"What was it?"

"I don't know. She said she called you."

"She never called me."

"What?"

"She never called me."

"Well she must have thought she did."

"Yea," he said, but he didn't sound convinced.

"But, I have a surprise for you!"

Kate's voice got excited as she wriggled out of the stool.

"Where are you going, sit down."

"Would everyone stop telling me to do that," she laughed.

"What is this surprise," he said, greeting her by wrapping his hands around her sides.

"Do you want to know the sex of the baby?"_  
_

* * *

_Once again I am apologizing for the delayed chapter. Two magazines that I work with published in the same week and I am still a college student with homework.  
_

_ Here's my little self promotion: - an independent magazine that everyone should definitely check out. I've written a handful of articles, some pertaining to Castle :] And Heat News - heatnewsDOTcastle-theoldhauntDOTfr/ - if you're a castle fan and you haven't checked this out then I might be silently judging you - just a little :] I had the pleasure of editing their latest issue and more to come :]  
_

_As for this chapter, what'd you think?_

_Thoughts?_

_ - Meg_


	9. Chapter 9

"Yes. No. Maybe? Do I? No."

"Do you," she asked, accepting to both answers.

"Yes. No. Damn."

"Well, _damn_ isn't a choice," she jokes.

He looks to her, excited, but concerned.

"Kate, I thought we were waiting. You wanted to wait, remember?"

"I do remember. And I do still want to be surprised. But there is going to be so many surprises. Maybe this will make the nursery easier, buying clothes – it might make _everything_ easier."

"Kate. Honey. If you want to find out because – because it will help. Then for God's sake, I'll get the doctor from his house right now."

"I don't think his family would like that," Kate laughed.

"I just want you to be happy."

"And I am, Castle. I really am. I want you to know that."

She grabs his hands, which are resting on her sides, and brings them in front of her. Pulling on them, getting him to look at her, she smiles.

"It's been hard, but you have to know that . . . if I had to do this all again – all of it – because it gets me to here, I'd do it."

It hits him that she means it. She means all of it. He understands. She would never condemn her son, but because he had to die – by some cruel trick of fate – it brought her here. And she would do it all again.

"I'm taking a positive, Castle."

* * *

_Where are you taking me?_

He sends another text message hoping to spring one clue from his non-responsive wife.

Castle was stirred awake that morning by an ecstatic Kate. She grabbed him out of bed – one that he was looking to sleep in for at least a few more hours – and rushed him to the shower. _Take a shower, put some clothes on and disappear for a few hours. _He didn't question it too much. He was too tired to think about anything but putting one foot in front of the other. The only way he avoided falling back asleep in the shower was the occasional knock on the glass by a very persistent – and very pregnant – Kate.

She doesn't respond. She hasn't all day. He's standing outside his building. The May air brushes against his shirt as he's looking up to his window.

_What is she up to?_

It's been three hours since he was practically thrown out the door. He had nothing to do – he didn't plan to do anything today.

Castle puts his foot through the lobby door, looking around, expecting to be thrown out of the building.

"Nope, not yet, Mr. Castle."

"You too?" he asks the man behind the desk.

He just smiles and sends him back outside.

"Well is it food?" Castle shouts as the door shuts on him.

* * *

"Okay, you can let him up when you see him."

"Mrs. Castle, he left to take a walk."

Kate laughs, "Okay, well buzz up when you see him."

Kate looks around the apartment, excited that her plan worked. Yesterday Alexis had stopped by to make everything easy to move. She brought the ingredients Kate needed and helped her place things around the apartment. Castle, being tired from working, and stopping by the precinct - something Kate made him to - she knew he wouldn't notice tiny things. After her father left today, she ran back here and made sure she did the heavy lifting. Kate thanked the girl who proceeded to beg her to call, text, anything when it was time – regardless of the hour.

Kate walks to the Christmas lights curled around the pillars of the loft and around the kitchen. She has her iPod in the player, ready to press play when the time is right. The television has the soft waves playing in the background. She smoothed her shaking hands down her tribal dress – maternity this time. Walking over to the living room, Kate turned on the extension cord, lighting up lanterns hanging from the ceiling – only by tape. Thankfully they were light.

Moments passed, but Kate hears the buzz coming from the door and knows that it's time to stand. A nervous knot temporarily forms in her stomach and travels to her hands. Walking by the mirror once more – checking her hair – she puts the envelope on the table.

A knock on the door means that it's time to start. She unlocks it, pulls it open with a smile, to see a very impatient man waiting on the other side.

"Kate, what in the world were you – "

And then he sees it, the work that she put into the apartment. The lights she dimmed. The lanterns, each one different. The flowers on the table. His feet stop, he doesn't get it. Looking around, turning in a circle, he comes back to Kate who has shut the door. Her hands effortlessly lying around her stomach – her almost nine month wide stomach.

"Do you like it?"

"Yes, but – I'm missing something, aren't I."

"Yup, and I'm not telling you," she says, walking away from him with a smirk.

* * *

They eat their dinner. Instead of cleaning the plates, Kate pushes them to the end of the table. She pulls the envelope from the chair besides her and hands it to him.

"What's this."

"Just open it."

He peels back the white paper revealing a card.

"Wait! Make sure you read the front first."

He pulls the card from the paper and sees a hand written note.

_Only if you want to know…_

"Know what – wait, do you know?"

"I know," she smiles, not looking at his face, playing with the hair behind her head.

"I don't kn – we're so close. But, ugh. I do."

She laughs at him again. His childish indecisiveness pulling at her.

"Are you the only one?"

"Alexis knows too."

"How? When!"

"She helped me with the lights."

"You know, I was wondering about that. How you managed to do that but you can't stand up…"

"Just open your damn card."

He smiles, deciding that he should.

Inside is an ultrasound – one that he has seen before. The baby is big, its face on its side. A tiny nose, a little hand in the air.

"I can't read this – "

"Turn it over,"

_I hope you like your present._

_Love, _

_Your girls._

His heart quickens. A wave hits his chest and pumps throughout him. His eyes fill up, hands still holding the weightless paper. He doesn't look at her yet, but flips over the page, again, to see the first picture of his daughter.

Before he can speak, music fills the room.

_Oh, my love. My darling. I've hungered for your touch…_

"Castle, stand up."

"What?"

"Come on. Stand up," Kate says, taking his hands.

_And time goes by so slowly. And time can do so much…_

Castle obeyed. Her hands sneaking to his, pulling him into the foyer. She takes one, slides his other around her waist.

"Is there where I say, 'ah middle school style,"

"So you remember."

She's barefoot again, but this time there's something between them. They sway, the lights bouncing off the top of her head. Quickly, she brings her hand to wipe a stray tear from his face.

"You have made me the happiest person,"

"Eh, I try," Kate says, smiling as they sway.

Her hair fell to her back as his hands brush across her face. His thumb at her chin, his fingers by her eye.

"I'm sorry, Castle. For everything, really. I mean it this time."

Castle shakes his head, still radiating from her.

"It's just," she sighs, "I am still getting used to someone else caring for me."

He'd tell her another time of how unbelievably strong she is and that he will forever be in her debt for that.

She slides her head to his chest, his arms awkwardly hugging her and their daughter.

Still against him, Kate says, "I've thought of a name,"

"Oh have you."

"Yea, I have. It means honor."

"And what is this name."

Still swaying, the music switches songs.

"You're the writer, what do you think it is."

"I don't know, Kate, but whatever it is, I know I'll love it."

She looks up to him, reaches on her toes, and kisses him quickly before returning to her feet.

His hand brushes her hair behind her ear and kisses her once more.

"It's okay. I like you here."

She rests back into him, letting some of her weight transfer.

" – why, were you going somewhere?" he says to her.

Her subtle laugh vibrates his chest.

They dance through a few more songs before they are standing in the foyer, no longer moving.

"Should we sit?"

"Not yet," she responds.

"I'm glad it's a girl. You're so good with girls."

"I am too. Although I would have loved a boy, a girl is making me so happy already, why not add another."

Her feet hurt, and they were going to hurt worse, but she couldn't let her grip of him go. Her head on his chest, feeling his warmth and embracing his smell. They continue to sway as the music finally does fade - she only put a few songs on her playlist - and they come to a stop. Looking to him, her eyes bright, he smiles back at her.

"It's Nora,"

* * *

_Thoughts? _

_ - for those just joining us, refer to chapter 8 of surprises - actually, refer to the entire story :]  
_


	10. Chapter 10

_She's sitting on the bed. _

_Did someone tell her? Because she thinks she was told. Her edges are blurred, an unknown sense controlling her movement. Kate reaches out to feel the sheets – her sheets – her blankets – but they feel different. A mellow hand brushes by her flat stomach, a dulled confusion overcoming her. Without thinking, Kate begins to rock, a hidden melody carrying her on the bed. He opens the door, slowly. She feels light, weightless. She sees his hand on the handle, pushing it open, revealing his face. A smirk. He walks towards her, his blurred eyes never leaving her face. Determined, he doesn't hesitate; pulling her into a kiss that she hasn't felt before, a hard kiss. Her hair is tangled between his fingers and his other hand is guiding her down. When she reaches the pillow, not controlling her own actions, he reaches a hand to her shirt. Kate retracts when she feels his fingers are cold, slowly peeling the white tank top away from her skin. She pacifies when his palm covers her stomach. When he reveals her bare front, his hands circle around, holding her side. She tilts her head back, letting him kiss her neck, deeply aware of where his hands are._

Jolting awake, and in an instinctive reaction, she tries to sit up. Awkwardly, she is forced back down. Kate's relieved when she finds her hand cradling the base of her stomach. She can feel the baby. She wasn't kicking now – an unusual stillness that Kate appreciated more and more with each moment. Kate looks to her side, and with her right hand, she grazes his arm, squeezing it just enough to bring him here with her.

Castle squints his eyes, avoiding the sun, and reaches a hand around to cover hers. With a pat, he rolls back over to fall back asleep. He's not very awake, allowing him to drift away quickly, but a shaking of the bed meant that she was moving closer.

"Are you okay?" he grunts.

With her hand on the bed, and her other holding her stomach, Kate moves closer to his back. She props her body up with her elbow, straining it and aware that she would only sit for a few moments like this. Kate rubs her hand around the base of his neck. She brings her face closer, letting him feel her breath behind him.

"Kate…"

She smiles, but he doesn't see. Her hand travels to his chest and rolls him over.

Castle opens his eyes to see her face inches from his.

"Kate, what are you doing?" he asks, slightly confused.

She's been increasingly short-tempered these past weeks. She wants to leave the house, but when they do, they have to turn around because she's tired. When they get back to the loft, she's worn out.

"Well…" she plays, "I had a dream."

"Did you?"

She shakes her head.

"And what was in this dream…" he says, playing with her.

"Well…"

She tries to get closer to him, but being one week past her due date, her stomach was larger than her. She tries to lift her leg, but sits up instead.

Castle knows that this is going nowhere. By the time she gets anything going, she will fall asleep or be so tired that she just lays next to him.

Pushing her hand behind her, moving a pillow or two, she finally does. Scooting back to the headboard, she then brings her legs up and gets on her knees. He's still lying down, watching her. Clearly becoming out of breath, she hits her hand to the bed, signaling that she's continuing. She moves and gets on her hands and knees to crawl over top of him. As she does, something shoots down her side. With one hand on his chest, the other grabs her side.

Castle sees a wince in her face. He begins to sit up.

"No, I'm fine," she reassures him, patting him back down.

"Kate..."

She smiles at him, trying to continue what she was planning to start. But the baby starts to move. Catching her off guard, she falls back to her knees, moving away from him.

Rubbing her stomach, she sighs, "Give me one second."

Castle sits up, trying not to laugh, "I was having fun watching you."

"You're not funny."

He slides closer to her and puts his hand over hers. But she's hunched over in seconds, grabbing her side once more.

"Kate?"

"No. I'm fine."

"Are you sure? We _are_ late."

"No, I know how it feels."

"Does it feel like that?"

"No. It doesn't"

Well, it might of. She doesn't remember. Actually, she doesn't recall anything from her first delivery.

"Well maybe it's different this time?"

"Why would it be different?"

She's going to win at this. It's been a month of pure happiness for them. She's excited – and when she's not, she pretends that she is. He deserves that much.

He can sense that she's impatient. He slides his feet around the edge of the bed, finds his slippers, and stands. Stretching his entire body, reaching his arms around his head, he hears her wince once more.

Castle turns around, puts one knee to the bed, and looks at his wife. He's not going to say anything, she's stubborn, but adrenaline does begin to build in the bottom of his stomach.

Kate presses into her side, and another one to the underside of her bump.

"Castle – "

Her head still down, eyes closed, her hair falls over her face.

"Okay! Okay."

He runs around to the backside of her to coax her out of the bed. His hands caressing her back and guiding her as she turns around.

"No, not yet. Don't move me."

She presses into side and slides her feet from underneath of her. Slowly, she turns to face him, pushing her feet over the side of the bed.

Castle helps her stand and tries to contain his excitement and worry. She hasn't officially said that it was time, but he knows.

She feels huge, but adrenaline is rushing through her. Kate finds her bag already packed in the corner of her bedroom. Castle, seeing that she's okay, runs out of the room. He's shouting as he's running away from her.

"Don't move. Stand. Stay right there! I'm getting the keys."

Kate feels like she knows what to do – but she doesn't. She's had a baby and she doesn't remember ever going into labor. It's bothered her ever since they learned that she was pregnant. And she wants this one day, just one, to be about Nora, and not her past.

"I'm coming back!"

Castle's narrating his movements now, as if going into labor suddenly discontinued her senses.

"You had a fast labor with – anyway. I want to get there, quick."

It's only been a couple of minutes since she said his name, but he's already sweating from running around. His hand is at her back, his body slightly hunched next to her as he is gently, but rapidly getting her out of their bedroom.

"What happened to the calm and composed plan you had?"

"You found that?"

He had hidden a map that he made with Alexis in his desk drawer. Both of them were equally excited and they figured a visual depiction of how they would get to the hospital would help.

"Oh- I need to call her. And your dad. And my mom.."

She follows him, being in a place of his own. Every now and again he will remember her. And she'll be right here.

* * *

"Castle, get your hand off my back!"

"We need to get moving! You need to get there faster."

"I'm going as fast as I can! It hurts!"

Kate waddled through his loft, headed for the front door. Her feet were swollen and her abdomen felt like it was going to fall to the floor.

"Castle, I swear to - If you touch me one more time!"

Castle removed his hand and ran to get the door. Two bags over his shoulders, cell phone dialing the hospital.

"Hello, hi! Yes. No, I can't hold - look. Get Dr. Hanes. Now. No, I need him. My wife is in labor. No, hello. Dammit."

He pressed the end button and feverishly redialed as he pounded the down button on the elevator.

"Kate, a little faster. Honey, I know. I know. Okay."

Kate's irritated look greeted him as she made her way to the elevator.

"You look great," he said, with - what he hoped - was a reassuring smile on his face.

Kate's breathing became faster as she held her hand out, a hand on her back and her knees beginning to bend.

"Okay, here we go," he said.

Castle swung behind her, held her up as a contraction ripped through her body.

When it was over, he picked up the cell phone he dropped, removed his foot from the elevator that he had kept opened, and loaded them all in.

* * *

She can't move her hand from the base of her stomach. She won't. She feels her daughter resting there, and the sharp pains that are surrounding her. Kate's eyes are closed, and she is breathing like she remembers, but it's not helping. She can't cry. She doesn't have enough energy left over to cry. He left the room again. Finally, by herself, she tries to sit up. Her contraction has finished, but she's left with a sore body and a beeping noise. She turns her head, slowly, but Kate can't read the monitors.

Her baby is fine. She's reminding herself over and over. The monitor has a steady beat – her and the baby's. The machine making lines seemed to be okay. The nurse had walked in only a few seconds earlier and didn't say too much – and was pestered by Castle following her into the hallway.

It is still early and the sun is streaming into her room.

Kate looks next to her bed for her bag. She spots her last-minute decision sitting a foot below her: a sweater with a picture frame wrapped inside.

She really shouldn't be doing this. Her therapy had stopped – she asked to stop it. Looking to the door, and listening to future footsteps, she waits. Hesitantly, she reaches for the handles of her little bag. It rests beside her on the bed.

If she timed it correctly, she has a bit before the next contraction. Unfolding the cloth, she stares down at her baby. A finger grazes over the tiny face – a face that she's seen many times since it first made a presence on their dresser.

Kate's been through this course with him. It's surreal to think about it. That tiny baby was once right where this one is. Castle was here with her. Sitting in the spot he once was only a few moments ago. She smiles; thinks that maybe Aiden's last gift to her was him. But how could it.

Silencing her thoughts, she lets the tears form in her eyes. Smiling to her baby, she sees his nose, his chin.

This one will be here. She will feel her nose, her chin. She will feel her warm hair, her moving body in her arms.

* * *

"She's ready," Kate said, lying in the hospital bed. Her hands grip the sheets next to her. He baby probably wasn't ready yet. But, maybe if she said it out loud, she would magically appear in her arms.

"The doctor will come back - "

"Is there anything for - "

"Kate, you heard him. It's too late. You go into labor too quickly. Some might call that -"

"Don't you dare say blessing. I am not in the mood," she said, sweat dripping down her forehead.

Castle grabbed the towel on the edge of the bed and wiped it away from her face.

"I'm going to go see - "

"Don't go back out there."

"Just, I want to make sure."

"Castle, I'm still - I'm - Dammit."

Another contraction hit Kate just as she was about to tell him how fine she was. She squeezed his hand, breathing through the knife that was ripping through her stomach. Her hand reached down and hugged the bottom of her bump, feeling her daughter push her way down.

When it was over, he let go over her hand and looked at the monitor as if he knew what it meant.

"That was a really big one, let me go check - "

Kate didn't stop him as he exited their hospital room. She knew how he felt. She was trying to not think about it. She was trying to focus on her daughter and not the consequences. She would remember this. Both of them would be wheeled out of this hospital in the matter of days.

The nurse - a new one - came in with Castle, her hand in his - being pulled up to the machine.

Castle backed away slightly and let her read the information.

"The contractions are progressing fast, but they are normal. You should be delivering within the night," she said, grabbing her chart from her pocket.

"Dr. Hanes should be back in here in about half an hour. Are you okay until then?"

"Well - "

"Thanks, we will be fine," Kate interrupted.

"But - wait - no. I - "

Kate pulled her hand to rest over his.

"Castle, look at me. Come here," she said as he sat in the chair next to her bed.

"I'm here, we're both here. That monitor says she's got a heartbeat. We're not going anywhere. Not this time. Okay. So sit here and wait with me, okay?"

He was still concerned. And how could he not when just two years ago they were sitting here. Two years ago, an hour from now he would be getting the worst news of his life. And two years ago, tomorrow, he would break her heart.

"Castle, I'm scared too. I'm terrified and I don't even remember what happened last time. But, we've got to get through this, okay? What happened to the Castle that's been here for the last nine months?"

He laughed, slightly easing his nerves. His hand greeted hers on top of his.

"We're going to be okay."

* * *

"Castle, come here! Please!"

She's in pain now, a lot more than she expected. They were coming fast.

Pushing herself up, Kate calls him once more back into the room.

"Kate! Kate! What's wrong?"

"I'm fine. But, sit. Please. Before they come in."

Tears are in her eyes. She has to say this now before she backs out, again.

"Can you lift my bed up a bit?"

He does as he's told. Silently, he sits back in the chair.

"You're not going to like this," she begins.

"Kate – "

"No, please. Listen."

She moves herself closer to him. It's only a matter of moments before her next contraction hits.

"Rick. I need you to promise me something."

"Kate, if you're even thinking – "

"Rick, please. I know our chances of having that happen again are small. I know that the baby is healthy. But, you need to – you need to promise me that if anything was to happen again. If I'm not responding - you need to make them save her first."

Tears are streaming down her face. She had been fighting this moment since they began their trip to the hospital. Quickly, she was losing her energy to be brave. Her voice cracking, she continues.

"Because. Because, Castle, if I wake up to you sitting on that chair again and telling me that I don't have a baby I don't think – "

She's cut off. Castle stands up and sits down next to her. Surrounding her, his arms around her shoulders, he becomes her wall. She falls into him, letting herself cry before the doctors came back in.

"Kate, they know your past. They know what happened. You're going to be okay. No matter what, we're going to be okay."

He can't promise her. In fact, he shouldn't be telling her this much. He doesn't know how this one will play out. He wipes a piece of damp hair away from her face.

Her sides begin to tense, and she knows what is happening. Kate wants to complain. She wants to knock herself out - go into a deep sleep - but she can't. She can't bring herself to tell him that she said no to the epidural. A silent concern that she thought might affect her chances of repeating history.

"Are you ready?"

She shakes her head, grabbing his arm and the sheet next to her.

"Here we go."

* * *

_Thoughts?_

_I'm trying to regain a grip on this story. I know where I think it's going. And I'm sure you all do too. But where do you want it to go? I think it will be easier if I hear some ideas. I want everyone to enjoy reading it, but now I'm going off of what I think is right instead of what I think all of you want._

_I will see your reviews - but I can talk to anyone on twitter at meggh11 or stillcatchingupDOTtumblrDOTc om_

_Don't be afraid to say something "not so nice" either. It will make this story, and others, better. I will not hate you :]_

_ - Meg_


	11. Chapter 11

Her warmth radiated through the blanket and into Kate's chest. It sat there; lingered with the baby. The small eyes that wouldn't open yet and her fist in a ball near her face. Kate traced her jaw line and down to her chin. Her daughter. Her breathing, healthy, beautiful daughter is here, in her arms.

Kate's tired eyes hurt and tried to shut, but she kept them open, never leaving her girl's site. A trance overcame her the moment the doctor handed her the baby in a blanket from the table across the room.

Castle was still questioning the doctor. He held her already, and cried – and did what he did best as a father. But now that Kate was with their daughter, he went back to his worrying way that never completely left.

The delivery had been hard. As soon as Kate started to push, the monitor began to beep. Within seconds, the beeping became louder - slower. Kate stopped – looked at Castle – and then the doctor. The doctor's eyes were on the monitor and he was talking to the nurses. Castle panicked. He held her hand as his heart raced, his face turning from Kate to the doctor. Words couldn't form, so he watched as he thought of history repeating itself. He squeezed her hand tighter, as if to hold her here for a little longer. Kate looked at him. She couldn't look at anything else. _Don't let me go. Don't let me go_, she repeated. She didn't know if she meant his hand or her mind. She would stay here, regardless of what nature was telling her to do.

The doctor left the monitor and whispered to his nurses who immediately went into a planned routine around the room. They grabbed tools and brought over a tray. Kate saw what they were doing, but turned back to her fixated look at her husband. She would look at him the entire time.

Castle held her hand tighter and moved his arm to rub her shoulder. Whispering to her, encouraging her. Kate jumped when her bed began to tilt back. Turning her head, she saw a nurse at her side, an arm on her left shoulder.

_What are you doing? _Kate yelled. Her body staying up, refusing to go with the bed.

_We're just moving you back a little so that the doctor can get your baby out._ They repeated the sentence within the few seconds it took for the bed to lower to a soft angle.

_It's okay. Kate, just lie down. Please. _Castle pleaded with her, but his voice shook. He looked at the doctor. The man knew their past. Why wasn't he telling them anything.

_Okay, Kate. You're going to feel this a little. Just listen to me when I tell you to push. _

Her eyes went from person to person. From the calm demeanor of the nurses back to her shaking husband. Her mind racing, Kate knew she had to push. The doctor had asked her, but she froze.

_Now! Kate? Kate! _ The doctor grabbed her thigh, squeezing it. Her head turned back to him, registering his words.

Kate pushed. And it hurt. More than the first pushes. Her face went tight and stars were around her. She was getting dizzy and she could feel something inside of her. But the doctor was right, and she felt her baby enter the world.

Castle loosened his grip on her hand as he looked down to see his daughter.

His daughter that wasn't crying.

_Is she okay? Why – why isn't – she isn't crying, Castle! She's not crying. Why isn't she crying? _

Kate pushed up on her elbows, her hair sticking to her face. For the first time, her eyes began to water. Panic found a root inside of her. She looked at Castle whose eyes never left his child. Seconds seemed to go by as hours, both of them waiting as a team of doctors huddled around a tiny cart. Their shoulders moving as they grabbed tools, blankets – moving the cart a little.

But she let out a cry. One first cry.

Nora's sound traveled and eased them back to the bed. Kate resting her shoulders on the back of the sheets, she let out breaths that she had held. Castle turned back to her, engaging in her joy, and took her hands. They laughed and wiped away tears.

Their daughter was making a noise.

* * *

Kate looked down at her. She was perfect. A slight bruise on her face was all that was left of the delivery.

"Kate."

She looked up to see him sitting next to her.

"The doctor wants to talk to us now."

The same man who had been silent through her most recent source of panic came over to the side of Castle. The two men sat down in chairs, the doctor with a clipboard.

Castle blocked a chill. The clipboard. The chairs. Looking across to an unknowing person. Giving them information about something they were unaware.

"Your daughter is fine. She's completely healthy – in regards to her age. The first hours are crucial. Her body is responding to things that it's just now experiencing for the first time. We will feed her in a bit. Her response to that, I'm assuming, will be completely normal. Which will tell us everything is okay."

The doctor shifted in his seat, looking down at the clipboard.

"During your delivery, you baby experienced a loss of oxygen. It's not normally as quick as it went - normally we see it before this late stage in the delivery. But because of your baby's place in the canal, her supply was cut off. We used forceps to quickly get her out. She was trying to breathe when we got her, but because of her trying to get air inside of you, she had some fluid in her mouth. But, we were able to get it out. And she's healthy."

Kate smiled. She looked to Castle, who didn't share the same look.

"You used forceps?"

"Yes."

"But doesn't that hurt her?"

Kate was confused. She looked at her sleeping baby. Nothing was wrong. Her brown hair brushing her head, her tiny fingers – a little nose. Nothing was wrong.

"Nothing should be wrong. The delivery went smoothly as soon as we got her moving. The baby was breathing. We cleared her passageways just like we would with every baby. She responded normally to every procedure. We will see how she responds to feeding and we will go from there. If something seems to worry us we will take a scan of her brain. But we don't see a reason to do anything. She's completely normal, Mr. Castle."

His lips were in a line, his brow lowered. He wasn't convinced. After Aiden, anything was possible.

The doctor left them alone. Castle walked back to Kate's bed and trailed his fingers on the blanket.

Kate looked at him – her eyes booming to his - a bundle in her arms.

"Can I sit?"

Without answering, Kate scooted closer to the railing and made room for one of his legs to lie next to hers.

Castle huddled closer to his family; an arm coming up around the blanket to feel his daughter's tiny legs moving underneath it.

Kate couldn't tear away from her. A feeling was inside her, filling voids that she didn't remember having. It didn't make Aiden any less painful, but being able to hold a baby - her baby - made it somehow more bearable.

* * *

_A/N: A short chapter, I know. But the next topic I'm approaching will be too much to go inside this one. _

_Thoughts?_

_I'm taking suggestions - where do you want to see this go. Do you want a time jump? I'm writing for you out there. Let me know :] You can put a review or I can talk with you on twitter (at sign)megghh11  
_

_Thanks for all the support and encouragement. I don't say it enough, but I love each and every one of you that reads my work!_


	12. Chapter 12

"Doctor, can I just – "

Castle leaves Kate and the baby, in their blissful state, and pulls the doctor by the arm into the hallway.

"Mr. Castle, I – "

"No, you lied to her."

"I did not lie to your wife."

"You didn't tell her you were using forceps."

"I didn't want to add stress – sir, your baby was running out of oxygen. If we waited she could have severe and permanent damage to her brain. I needed to do what I thought was best."

Castle rubbed a hand through his hair, exhausted.

"And that means using a tool that nobody uses? It's _2013_. Are you kidding me?"

The doctor repositions his clipboard, looking at his feet.

"I want you to tell me everything."

"Mr. Castle. I have. Your baby will be fine."

"No. No. You don't get to say that. You want to know why? Because when you guys – you doctors – say something will be 'fine' it never is. Babies die. Those tiny things –" he says, waving a finger towards the door, "they sometimes don't make it. And when you're worried about them, you know what doctors say? That everything will be 'fine'. So, I need you to tell me exactly what is going on."

"I told you. We're going to look after Nora. We're going to watch her. She has a bruise on her face. That will go away within days. I don't see any nerve damage in her face; however, she is at risk for temporary facial nerve injuries. We will see if that happens, and if it does, she will heal in a few weeks. After she feeds, we will see her body adapting. We will see how she is surviving the first few hours – just like we do with every baby born, Mr. Castle."

"And what about my wife."

"What about her?"

"I want to know what's happening with her."

Castle's hands are on his hips. He can't look at the doctor, not now. The wall was too blue. The floor was too clean.

"Kate – Mrs. Castle – is fine. The forceps did not damage her at all."

"Are you sure – "

"Forceps rarely – "

"No. I said no. I know exactly what forceps do. Do you think, after losing my son, that I would just sit here and not know everything that could happen to my daughter? And my wife!"

"She didn't tear more. She's fine."

"I can't be raising a baby and have a wife that suddenly becomes an 80-year-old."

Castle looks from the floor to the doctor.

"No. I can. I can have a wife like that. But Kate can't have a life where – she's young! She can't be wearing diapers!"

"Mr. Castle, she will not be wearing diapers."

"Yea, you better make sure she isn't."

The doctor took his last sentence as a chance to leave, to let him digress.

Castle enters the room and sees the same scene: Kate with the baby. Smiling. Touching her face. Kate's feet move a little, under the blanket, as she rocks the baby back and forth – slowly – still in her bed.

"Hey," he interrupts.

She looks up, her hair slicked back into a bun; the roots still damp, and a slight smile on her face.

"Hey."

Castle leans on the wall closest to the door and, for the first time since his daughter was born, really looks at her. From afar, with her mother, she seems perfect. The bruise isn't visible to him. Her tiny feet curled into a pink blanket. Dark hair just brushing the surface of her head – her head that might be damaged. Castle's smile fades, turns to worry. Again. Her feet might be perfect, now. Her hands might be perfect. For now. Everything might change from this exact moment.

"When are you feeding her?"

"I – I don't know. I don't even know what to do. They said they'd come back."

Castle saw her smile fade – not disappear – but he could see that she was concerned. She's never done this before – be a parent – and he knows that she's scared.

"You'll be fine –"

"I know. It's just feeding her – I mean, people have done it before."

Her nerves have caused her voice to shake. It's hitting her, he can tell. The shock of being a parent to a living child.

"No, I mean about the other thing," he says, coming to the side of her bed again. He leans to the edge, his leg partly on the bed.

She looks up, her eyes wide and her smile gone; her vulnerability bouncing from her daughter to her husband. Castle brushes his hand against her cheek and rubs his thumb along her jaw. He smiles to her, letting her know that they agree.

* * *

"I never – I never –" Kate says, a yawn cutting off her sentence.

"I know. I forgot it too."

Kate slides her feet around the side of the bed and her planned walk – head down, feet shuffling the few feet to the side of the room – to the yellow bassinet in the corner.

"I just didn't think I could be this tired – and I've pulled all-nighters with you before – we've been up for two straight days on cases. And I still have never been this tired."

Castle shakes his head, agreeing with her, but his eyes are closed. His body is sitting up, but his back slouches forward and leans to his legs. He's up. He has to stay up with her, but his eyelids disagree.

"Can you – can you just grab that towel over there."

Without looking, he knows exactly what towel she needs. It's the same towel they needed two hours ago when the baby was hungry. Now the baby needed to be changed – maybe she was just lonely. Looking for someone to hold her – again – at two in the morning.

Castle repeats her actions as his own – his feet shuffling to the chair, his hands grabbing the pink towel from the arm, and walking back to the bed. Trying to not trip over the baby's dirty clothes on the ground, he opens his eyes to see the edge of the mattress and sits down. His back to her, he hands her the towel puts his elbows on his knees, his hand in his head.

"She's not hungry."

"I know," he answers.

"Well you could have told me."

"You fed her two hours ago. She's bored."

"It's 2 am."

"She doesn't care. She's a baby."

"Nora, honey. Baby. What are you doing?" Kate says, the baby resting in her legs.

The baby never started crying, but whimpered a little. The whimpering – which always grew louder if they ignored it – had woken them up.

"See if she needs to be changed," Castle says under his breath.

"Don't you think I would have checked that first."

"Did you?"

"Yes," Kate says as she feels the baby's diaper.

"Nora, please, please go to sleep. It's been two weeks. Please. Just once," Castle says, whining, rolling over to the baby, who's inherited Kate's smile.

"That's not a smile Castle," Kate says, repeating his thought.

"That is a smile."

"She's two weeks old."

"And the book said that she might smile now. It will be in the first month. We're halfway through the first month."

"She might have gas."

"So, that's still a smile. Just a smile that will force us to change her – again."

Kate smirks at him and looks back at Nora, who had closed her eyes.

"Kate. Don't. Move." Castle whispers.

"I want to go to sleep too!" she whispers back.

"If you move, she will open her eyes. Here, move your legs down."

"Castle, I am not sleeping sitting up – "

"How tired are you."

* * *

Castle stirs, looks over at Kate, in the middle of the bed, with her feet resting against a pillow, Nora sleeping between her closed legs.

Castle, trying to not wake any of them, slides closer to Kate, putting his legs next to hers. He mimics the exact position Kate is in, trying to make it as smooth as possible.

Carefully, slowly, he lifts Nora, putting her between Kate's right let and his left leg.

She doesn't wake. Her hands don't move.

Once more, he picks up the pink blanket she is on and quickly shifts her to his legs.

She stays asleep.

Castle sighs, relieved that she's not crying.

He looks over at Kate, without moving his legs, and pulls her down.

Kate stirs, opens her eyes, startling at the lack of weight on her legs.

"Shh. It's okay," he says, pointing to the baby.

Kate, smiling, reaches over and kisses his cheek. She rolls over, stretches her back, and moves away from him – not waking the baby. She's back asleep within moments.

Castle, awake for a second, looks at Nora sleeping. She's lying between his legs, her fist at her mouth and her nose scrunched. But she's sleeping. Castle grabs a pillow from Kate's legs and put's it on the side of his that are facing the floor. He snuggles Nora deeper into the crease between his legs, straightens his back against the headboard, and closes his eyes.

* * *

_Thoughts? How do you like the name? And the story so far?_


	13. Chapter 13

"You didn't grab the wipes?"

"I thought – you said!"

"Castle, you had one job this morning!"

Kate fumbles deeper into the diaper bag. She pushes her hair out of her face as it piles over into the bag. Pulling out toys, her wallet, a handful of diapers –

"Excuse me, I had _one _job?" Castle emphasized.

"You had one job when it came to getting things ready to leave," she explains, now sitting on the floor of their building's lobby.

Castle lets her have this one simply because she isn't focusing on him. With the baby seat in his arms, he waits for her to finally realize that they don't have wipes.

"Why do you need a wipe right now anyway?"

"I wanted to wipe her hands when we got in the cab," Kate answers.

"I'm sure they will have wipes at the doctor's office."

"But what if we need them before then?"

"It's a 20 minute ride," he says, confident, but after looking at her face, " . . . I'll go get them."

Castle puts Nora's seat down next to Kate, turns to the elevator, and disappears back up to their loft.

* * *

"I don't think we needed this many cases of wipes, Castle."

Kate finds more room in the diaper bag for two more packages of wipes.

"Get me my wipes - _don't_ get me this many wipes - you had _one_ job," Castle playfully whines.

Kate smiles to him, the baby seat between them in the cab. Getting Nora into the car took longer than they expected. Kate left an hour between the time they would normally leave for the appointment and the time they planned on leaving. But she didn't think that getting Nora down to the lobby – with everything they needed – would take that long. And when the cab came, Castle assured Kate that he knew how to get the baby in the car.

_I've done this before. Trust me. _

"Did you really think the cabs would have been the same?" Kate teases.

"Look, Kate. Who updates cabs? They get you from one place to another," he whispers, as to not offend the driver.

"Well apparently they have since Alexis was 4."

"I don't understand it."

"Oh, says the man who gets the new model of every phone, iPod, gaming system -"

"You have a point."

Kate smiles, receiving a look from Castle, knowing that she had won this one.

"She looks okay."

"She's fine, Kate."

"But she never sleeps this early."

"She was up half the night. And we did just jostle her around all over the place upstairs. She's probably exhausted. And – we are in a car. It's like baby magic. Puts them right to sleep. When Alexis was a baby, I'd try to walk her, but getting a cab to go around the block always worked the best."

Kate smiles, a finger inside her daughter's hand. It was their first trip to the doctor's office. Nora was calm. She was four weeks old and probably had no idea where she was going. But Kate was nervous. They made it four weeks – _she_ had made it four weeks – and the baby seemed healthy. She ate and slept. Everything seemed normal, but the fear that Kate would somehow break her was still there.

* * *

"The doctor will be with you in a moment."

The nurse left, leaving a confused Nora inside her car seat on top of the table. Kate walked over and stood before the seat, watching her daughters eyes move back and forth.

"What do you think she's looking at?"

"Nothing. It's all blurry to her."

"Really?" Kate asked.

"Yeah. I read it in the book; she won't be able to make out your face for a bit. Right now you are a colorful blurb of light."

Castle continues to play on his phone, sitting in the chair next to the table.

"It makes me feel so unimportant right now, thanks."

"Kate, she doesn't see you, but she can hear you and feel you. And we're the only people she has been around so she likes us."

Kate smirks at him, leaving him to play with his game.

"What do you think the doctor will say?"

"She's fine. Healthy. Tell us when to come back."

"Castle, can you put down the phone for a second?" Kate asks.

"Just…a second…..okay."

Castle turns off the screen and places the phone next to the baby seat.

"What is it?"

"Can you not be so hard on the doctor today? It's bad enough that you called him the first week back. I don't think you need to – "

"Kate, it's not that – "

"No, I know. We talked about this, I know. But I want you to really understand that it wasn't the other doctor's fault – "

"Kate – "

"No, Rick" – her hands cup the edges of the baby seat, her daughter squirming inside of it, - "it was not his fault. Really, I would have let anything happen to me to have her be okay. If it meant that he needed to take risks, then so be it. The pediatrician was not there."

"Kate, I know. Honey. I get it. And if I were away from the panic of the delivery room I probably would agree with you – in the sense that I would understand why you were saying it. But you don't remember what it was like. And when it started happening again, my heart sunk."

Castle walks behind Kate – his hands fitting around her hips.

"I know, Rick, but really. You – "

"Look, I won't go completely nuts on him. I do, however, want to know if the forceps are leaving any marks on her – even the ones that we can't see."

Kate lowers her head, the side of it leaning into his chest.

"She seems perfect."

They look at Nora, still taking in the world around her.

"She is perfect. She will always be perfect," he comforts.

"Okay, so how is she sleeping?"

"How or when?" Castle sarcastically replies.

"Is she at least sleeping longer at night than she is during the day?"

"Yes," Kate replies, her hand still in Nora's.

"Good. And she does sleep longer for a certain period than she does for another – at night, that is?"

"Yes. Possibly. It doesn't seem longer, but it probably is."

"Okay, good. That's normal. How much is she eating?"

"She gets hungry every couple of hours. Maybe every three? I'm not completely sure."

"Okay. Now, when Nora cries - or wakes up at night – does she seem to calm down when you pick her up?"

"When Kate picks her up, she's great. God forbid I try to calm her," Castle laughs.

"That's normal, Mr. Castle, give it time."

"Okay. Well we already went over her growth – and this adds up with those numbers. She's normal. She's healthy. It seems like her development is right on track. She's beginning to recognize you two, Kate especially, which means that her brain is working correctly. We will, per your request, schedule a more in-depth analysis when she is a little older, Mr. Castle. We do see your concerns – and we do normally run some more tests. However, because she is so tiny we do want to hold off on that. She's in her normal percentile, but she is still tiny. There are no alarming signs that we need to act immediately, so we will hold off on that." The doctor closes the folder in his hand and stands before Nora.

"Okay then. All that is left is her shot."

Castle stands up and moves over to Kate.

"I think you should be the one to hold on to her, she won't take it as hard."

"She won't take it as hard, or you won't?" Kate says, smiling.

Castle runs a hand through his hair and puts a hand on his wife's back.

"I'm afraid my husband has never been the one to actually like shots. He doesn't do well when he has to get them, let alone his children."

"Kate, I can get a shot."

"Yeah, okay."

Castle's face goes plain.

"If you want you can stand in the hallway."

"No, Kate. I will be right here. The entire time."

"It's a shot, Castle, not another birth."

The nurse comes back into the room, getting out her supplies, and lays them next to the baby seat. She opens the package containing the needle. Laying it on the bed, still inside another package, she gets out an alcohol swab. Moving Nora's arm, she signals for Kate to come closer to the baby. After she is done finding the spot on her arm and disinfecting it, the nurse opens the next package of the needle, holds it to the light, and flickers it to get the air out.

"Are we ready?"

"Actually, on second thought, Kate – you seem well in control…of this…I'll just be outside."

"Okay, it's fine. She will cry though, you know that."

"Kate, this isn't my first trip with a child to the doctors."

"Okay."

Castle leaves the room. As the door shuts, the nurse gives Nora the shot, forcing the baby to cry.

Kate moves closer, bringing her arms around the baby's body. Cooing her, trying to comfort the pain away, she gets the okay to hold her after the Band-Aid is placed.

* * *

_Thank you so much for sticking with me! I know updates are taking forever, but after Monday they should be back to a normal pace. My semester ends Monday - and I've been writing paper after paper - even this chapter was written between two assignments. But the next few chapters will be better, I promise :] _

_(they wont end abruptly like this and they won't be months apart).  
_

_I did want to answer the one review I got from last chapter. I tried to answer it on my tumblr, but I don't know if everyone sees the things I post about these stories. - First, I wanted to say that my opinions are not those of the characters I write about (referring to the idea of forceps and Castle's reaction). Even the ones I develop away from this site and on my own. Characters do have some of my emotions put into them, obviously, but simply because a character believes something does not mean that I do, as the author. Also, I have Castle reacting one way because of his story and Kate because of hers. She has a different experience than Castle and I plan to follow that through. However, this story is not over and more character opinions are to come out. I planned to have Kate react this way all along - and Castle react the way he did. Also, Kate and Castle are not perfect parents - as most parents are - and I see them handling their newborn in a way that makes sense in the moment (referring to the baby sleeping in their lap). I hope this clears some things up :] _

_Lastly, it's a downside of writing to not be able to see opinions of everyone - I feel that we are coming to an end with this story, but does anyone want to see it in the next stage? It can become the Surprises series, if anyone wants? I am willing to continue it.  
_

_Let me know!_


	14. Chapter 14

Kate looked around her: the pink rug on the wooden floor, the hanging quilt on the wall, the chocolate-brown crib she was leaning on. Her arms slouched on the edge; she looked at her daughter asleep below her. Her bright eyes shut, moving underneath – her brown hair in thin wisps across her forehead.

Her hand inches away from the tiny one that matched it. She had been here since her daughter had fallen asleep – too tired to stand, but too engrossed to leave. Nothing was wrong with her. She was perfect.

Kate tilted her head to the side, resting it on the edge of the crib – her hand now covering Nora's – and eyed the dresser to her left. Pictures that Castle had taken were sitting on top – pictures of her pregnancy, of Nora's first day home –one of Aiden - sitting under the lamp.  
Nora had a brother, and Kate was learning how to accept it, even though it still hurt to see the baby's picture - to see her youngest child growing older than her first.

A few weeks ago she had brought up the topic with him, discussing how it was making her feel, and Castle, being the exact man that she married, continued to tell her it was okay and that they would figure it out as they went along. It was comforting to know that he knew how she felt - even though she didn't know what he had gone through - but to understand the loss of someone they never met.

Kate stretches her hands to fit inside Nora's fists. The soft feel of a baby's sleeping hand become Kate's favorite since Nora had slept through the night. They had been blessed with a happy baby. And a tired one. Nora began sleeping on her own at 3 ½ months old, and from the looks of the doctors, that was thankfully early.

But even though her daughter was still young, Kate saw how Nora's face was changing, how her legs were longer and her body was rounder – how she was becoming this little person and no longer a crying, lovable squish that she had to feed every couple of hours. Her eyes had focused, her face realizing who was holding her. And Kate started to think about the years to come. Nora will be happy. A child who will go to school, make friends, see things and learn things for the first time. She could try out an instrument or start a sport. Maybe both. Castle would make sure she did whatever she liked. And she would know _good_ movies. Not just the classics, but really worthy films that would stick with her. And Kate would see when her daughter would find a passion and her eyes lighting up when she knows what she wants to do.

Nora will be happy. But Nora will simply be Nora: a single child with an older sister. But an older sister who acts like a parent. By the time Nora becomes a child Alexis will be on her own and Nora will be in the house by herself.

But Kate looked at the possibility of having more children with exhaustion. She saw terror and fear. And regret. Regret of putting her family through pain – her future child through a fate that they did not decide. That none of them wanted but were forced to deal with.

They never asked the doctor why these things happened to them. Why Kate's body expressed pregnancy and delivery in a way that was detrimental to everyone.

Kate looked back at her sleeping daughter deciding to leave her be for now. Leave her in her new room.

"_Are you sure she's ready to be on her own?" Kate worried, holding her young child in her arms. _

_Wrapped in a white blanket, looking confusingly at the lights above her, Nora is introduced to the upstairs of the loft for the first time._

"_Kate, the book says that she is. And she is sleeping a lot. And Alexis was only one month older when she moved into her room at my first place. It's time."  
_

_"But what if she needs me?"  
_

_"We will hear her. The monitor is set up and it's loud. I tested it."  
_

_"Castle – but – what if we can't get there quick enough? What if she needs me and she isn't okay and she starts doing something and I can't make it all the way up here quick enough."  
_

_"She's not that far away, Kate. She's in the closest room to the stairs," Castle reassured her, rubbing her arms and framing his new family between his arms._

"_And if there is something so terrible that she needs you that very minute, I will bust down everything in my way. I will run and only touch one step to get to her."_

_Kate's face looked up from her child's and into his - her eyes having tears in them expressed by rooted fear. _

"_Kate, she's okay. You're not alone. Both of you are with me. We can do this."  
_

_Kate shook her head agreeing with him and focusing on his reassurance. _

_They entered the room – the one that Kate and Castle only had done a week ago after everyone had met the baby and pushed them to make a nursery. They couldn't explain to them why they didn't have one yet. Why they only had pieces done and nothing complete. _

_Kate put Nora down inside the crib – a new smell to her room – and looks as her daughter absorbed her new environment. _

_They stand there, looking over the crib, for a while. Well into the night and as Nora fell asleep. Looking at her and how she moved._

"_Kate? It's time to go to sleep."  
_

_"I can't leave her, Castle. I need – "  
Castle rubs her shoulders as he stands behind her.  
_

_"We have our own room."  
_

_Kate turned around and leaned her back against the wall of the crib. She didn't say anything, but put her hands on his chest and breathed slowly. Her eyes never met his, but she focused on leaving her child alone for the first time. _

"_Kate, are you ready?"_

_Finally, bringing her eyes up, she shakes her head and gives a faint smile._

"_She will need us soon anyway."  
_

_"I know. But it's different. I was right next to her."  
_

_"Climbing those stairs might get so old that she will end up back in the bassinet in our room."  
_

Kate leaves the nursery and walks down the stairs to find Castle sitting in front of the television, flipping channels.

He hears her walking down the stairs, her socks making soft noises with each step.

"Did she go down easily?"

"Yeah, I wanted to stay up there a while longer."

She walks around the couch to sit next to him and as she does, he turns off the TV and puts his phone on the table.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you want to do?"

Kate smiles, leaning in closer to his shoulder.

"I want to sit here."

* * *

_To explain this chapter: This is half of a chapter. I had some asking if I was finishing this story, and of course I am. I will never leave a story hanging. But I have been very busy - although it might not seem like it if you follow me on twitter :] I thought I would give you what has been sitting on my computer for a week. _

_Thank you for sticking with me. For those wondering - Heat News 5 is coming out soon! And the articles have been translated from French to English and now I am editing them. Also, I am working with a new website ( paid!) and then I will be reviewing some summer shows with another website - everything is found on my twitter meggh11 _

_I love you all for reading and, more importantly, for sticking with my crazy schedule. This story should be wrapping up soon and I want to continue it - but what stage in their lives is up to you (do you want it before this one, in the middle of the two...)  
_

_As some of you know, I always answer your questions on twitter and on tumblr (stillcatchingupDOTtumblrDOTcom)_

_Thank you, _

_Meg_


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